loneliness.
pain.
broken hearts.
bitterness.
hurt.
crying to fall asleep.
"smiling" to stay awake.
pretending.
it's all a game.
it's all an act.
who really knows, though.
who really cares to know.
who presses in, asking the difficult questions.
who is willing to give up their precious time.
to ask the questions.
to care.
to really KNOW someone.
to know me.
i'm fighting.
fighting to hold to precious words.
precious words that say "i will never leave you or forsake you."
but this fight is an uphill battle.
with lots of tears.
lots of fears.
and few who know it exists.
few know of my fight.
few who care of my fight.
everyone wants to assume i'm fine.
it's easier for them.
i'm the convenient friend.
but i hurt, too.
i'm not perfect, either.
i don't have all the answers.
i don't even have the answers for myself.
but does anyone ask?
never.
i'm learning that living a lonely life is difficult.
it's a daily battle.
a daily fight to convince myself that...i'm worth it.
i'm worth the fight.
i can barely even type those words without cringing.
i don't believe them.
i just want to sleep.
for a long time.
and wake up someday when i can actually make a difference.
i'm tired.
and not just physically.
i'm emotionally exhausted.
i'm physically exhausted.
i'm mentally exhausted.
i'm spiritually exhausted.
but do you know who knows that?
nobody.
i'm a vagabond.
a wanderer.
one who doesn't belong.
one who doesn't have a home.
because my home is far away.
it is with the broken.
the barefoot children.
the deaf students.
the homeless.
the hurting.
those who invest when they have nothing more to give.
they are my home.
i love my family, but sometimes i fear they don't understand me.
my heart physically aches for places i haven't been.
for people i haven't met.
for things i haven't seen.
i am an outsider.
i do not belong here.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
deafness.
i am currently taking a sign language class at my school...it's 5 hours a week and it's 5 credits. i have never loved a class so much in my life. i am learning loads of vocabulary, but i am also learning a LOT about deaf culture, and it fascinates me.
people don't really know anything about deaf culture. most of it is not intuitive or common information. it requires energy to study and read about and become informed about. yet...people don't take the time to do this. deaf people are treated poorly in our culture. most people avoid them and never take the time to get to know them.
there are a few deaf families at my church and i have been so very blessed to get to know a little bit about them. r and h have 2 sons who are deaf, and they are an absolute delight. we have an interpreter at my church who interprets the service, and find students of asl to interpret for the children so they don't have to sit through the long service.
i also work at a restaurant where we have deaf people come in relatively often, and my coworkers use me to interpret for them {i've only been studying asl for 6 weeks, though...haha} or i teach my coworkers basic signs to communicate. yet every time we have a deaf family come in, my coworkers freeze up. they treat the family coldly and act as if they are somehow less intelligent. it kills me to see this. "how dare they?" i ask to myself...yet i realize that i may have been the same way a few years ago.
honestly, i don't know what i'm getting at. my heart has begun to resonate with the deaf, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do with that. i don't know if i'm supposed to move forward with asl and become an interpreter or what...i'm trying to figure it out now.
my heart has begun to beat for deaf culture.
for deaf children.
for deaf families.
it's getting to the point where i'm looking into adopting a deaf child someday. i don't know if that's even possible for me. i have to do something, though. somehow, i have to make a difference.
people don't really know anything about deaf culture. most of it is not intuitive or common information. it requires energy to study and read about and become informed about. yet...people don't take the time to do this. deaf people are treated poorly in our culture. most people avoid them and never take the time to get to know them.
there are a few deaf families at my church and i have been so very blessed to get to know a little bit about them. r and h have 2 sons who are deaf, and they are an absolute delight. we have an interpreter at my church who interprets the service, and find students of asl to interpret for the children so they don't have to sit through the long service.
i also work at a restaurant where we have deaf people come in relatively often, and my coworkers use me to interpret for them {i've only been studying asl for 6 weeks, though...haha} or i teach my coworkers basic signs to communicate. yet every time we have a deaf family come in, my coworkers freeze up. they treat the family coldly and act as if they are somehow less intelligent. it kills me to see this. "how dare they?" i ask to myself...yet i realize that i may have been the same way a few years ago.
honestly, i don't know what i'm getting at. my heart has begun to resonate with the deaf, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do with that. i don't know if i'm supposed to move forward with asl and become an interpreter or what...i'm trying to figure it out now.
my heart has begun to beat for deaf culture.
for deaf children.
for deaf families.
it's getting to the point where i'm looking into adopting a deaf child someday. i don't know if that's even possible for me. i have to do something, though. somehow, i have to make a difference.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
i haven't forgotten.
i'm sitting here trying to find the words to type...knowing they won't be eloquent or profound. my heart stops when i look at this picture. when i think of this sweet girl. you see...mireli changed my life singlehandedly. she had more of an impact on my life than most, and i only got to spend 3 days with her. my heart longs to reach out to her...to feel her sticky fingers on my face or her tiny arms wrapped around my waist in a hug. tears well up as i think of her...wondering if she's okay, how school is going, what she's learning...wondering if she remembers me. my heart aches to tell her how much she means to me. 3 months later, her picture is still the background on my computer. i still tell people of her joy. of her desire to love and be loved.
i will not forget.
i can not allow myself to forget.
i grasp for guatemala, missing it with my whole being. afraid that memories will fade and pictures will be lost. afraid that one day my heart will stop beating for this place. i don't know why guatemala resonates with me so much. i don't understand the physical ache i feel as i tell others of my experiences. people just don't understand. and that's the most difficult thing. guatemala changed my life, and i would give anything to go back. i will go back. i can't imagine not going back. but for now i hold tightly to the memories. i can not lose them. my heart beats for these children.
mireli...i will not forget you.
the future.
the future terrifies me.
paralyzes me.
so many questions.
so little time.
so many decisions.
i hate decisions.
i can barely decide what to eat for lunch.
how am i supposed to pick a career?
how am i supposed to know what to pursue?
so many options.
asl.
elementary education.
dropping out.
overseas.
inner city.
i know where i'm going for college.
but i don't know what to study.
i have no idea what i'm doing after.
no.
idea.
and that scares me.
i like having a plan.
i enjoy feeling secure.
change stresses me out.
buuuut.
i serve a wonderful Papa.
he knows what he's doing.
and he's got me in his hands.
i have GOT to remember that.
cling to that.
draw hope from that.
and remember...
he is sovereign.
whether he decides to reveal the future to me or not.
paralyzes me.
so many questions.
so little time.
so many decisions.
i hate decisions.
i can barely decide what to eat for lunch.
how am i supposed to pick a career?
how am i supposed to know what to pursue?
so many options.
asl.
elementary education.
dropping out.
overseas.
inner city.
i know where i'm going for college.
but i don't know what to study.
i have no idea what i'm doing after.
no.
idea.
and that scares me.
i like having a plan.
i enjoy feeling secure.
change stresses me out.
buuuut.
i serve a wonderful Papa.
he knows what he's doing.
and he's got me in his hands.
i have GOT to remember that.
cling to that.
draw hope from that.
and remember...
he is sovereign.
whether he decides to reveal the future to me or not.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
i don't get it.
what hope can remain in the depth of this pain?
i don’t see it.
the earth is groaning night and day.
a song of human slavery.
of dark disease and poverty.
of children in captivity.
God, that’s the sound that comes to me.
are you still far away on high?
still staring out at that empty sky?
still reaching out with that longing hand?
i hear no voice and i don’t understand.
i know about theology.
i know you gave your son for me.
i know you’re wrapped in mystery.
i get invisibility.
but i still see their misery.
i hear their voices haunting me.
saying “who will come and set us free?”
“who will come and set us free?”
“who will come and set us free?”
so.
here am i. send me.
{i stole these words from the youtube video "a thousand questions" but they echo my heart's cry.}
Saturday, August 6, 2011
questions.
this week, i was looking at pictures from somalia, where they're having horrid droughts and famine and thousands of people are starving to death. i saw pictures of flies eating away at children because they were too weak to swat them away. i saw a 7 month child who only weighed 7.5 pounds because of severe malnutrition. i saw pictures of women who held their children close with fear in their eyes, as they were aware they couldn't provide for their children and that their children may very well die in their arms due to starvation. i looked through these pictures and wept, and my first thought was "why isn't that me, God?" i know i am no better than that 7 month old child. i was disgusted by myself when i finished my weeping and crying out to God on behalf of these people and looked up to see my iphone and laptop in front of me, with a box of crackers on the table where i had been eating them before i stumbled upon these pictures. i was almost horrified with myself, and begged God to tell me why i was blessed enough to live in a place where i don't have to wonder if i will ever eat again, or where i don't worry about freezing to death as i sleep, or where i know that i am loved by my family and friends. the rest of the day, i wrestled with the question "why me, God?"
why have i been chosen to live here? i don't understand.
why have i been chosen to live here? i don't understand.
Friday, July 29, 2011
ruth 2. {working hard and humility}
this morning, i read ruth chapter 2. the two major themes that stood out to me were ruth's hardworking spirit and her humility.
ruth took initiative. she went to naomi and asked if she could go glean in the fields. after receiving naomi's blessing, she simply went out and did it. she didn't wait around for an opportune moment or fill her time moping about with self pity, although she had every reason to. {you see...ruth's husband had passed away and she stuck with her mother-in-law even though her mother-in-law gave her no hope for remarriage. she traveled away from her homeland to bethlehem because of her devotion to her mother-in-law.} ruth had a hardworking spirit. boaz's men noticed, saying "she came into the field and has remained here from morning till now, except for a short rest in the shelter." {ruth 2:7b} ruth took the initiative. she did not wait for better circumstances to find her. she made the most of her life. she worked tirelessly. she did not complain.
additionally, ruth was extremely humble. she bowed to boaz with her face to the ground. {ruth 2:10} she asked boaz "“Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me—a foreigner?" {ruth 2:10} she did not expect anything. she did not see herself as entitled to anything. she carried herself with grace, confidence, and boldness, but also with humility. all too often, i find myself having a spirit of entitlement. i expect certain things. i don't necessarily feel i deserve things, but i expect them. over the past week, i've realized how much stuff i have that i don't need. i live a comfortable life, but i'm not sure i want to be comfortable anymore. i desire to be transformed, and i feel that humility is something i need to acquire.
i am really enjoying going through ruth with my best friend. i want to be a ruth in this world. faithful. dependable. humble. hard-working. dedicated. bold. confident. loyal.
ruth took initiative. she went to naomi and asked if she could go glean in the fields. after receiving naomi's blessing, she simply went out and did it. she didn't wait around for an opportune moment or fill her time moping about with self pity, although she had every reason to. {you see...ruth's husband had passed away and she stuck with her mother-in-law even though her mother-in-law gave her no hope for remarriage. she traveled away from her homeland to bethlehem because of her devotion to her mother-in-law.} ruth had a hardworking spirit. boaz's men noticed, saying "she came into the field and has remained here from morning till now, except for a short rest in the shelter." {ruth 2:7b} ruth took the initiative. she did not wait for better circumstances to find her. she made the most of her life. she worked tirelessly. she did not complain.
additionally, ruth was extremely humble. she bowed to boaz with her face to the ground. {ruth 2:10} she asked boaz "“Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me—a foreigner?" {ruth 2:10} she did not expect anything. she did not see herself as entitled to anything. she carried herself with grace, confidence, and boldness, but also with humility. all too often, i find myself having a spirit of entitlement. i expect certain things. i don't necessarily feel i deserve things, but i expect them. over the past week, i've realized how much stuff i have that i don't need. i live a comfortable life, but i'm not sure i want to be comfortable anymore. i desire to be transformed, and i feel that humility is something i need to acquire.
i am really enjoying going through ruth with my best friend. i want to be a ruth in this world. faithful. dependable. humble. hard-working. dedicated. bold. confident. loyal.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
home.
home.
what does that word even mean?
where is my home?
my home is no longer indiana.
my home is no longer texas.
i am beginning to feel that my home is no longer colorado.
my heart is shattered and spread around the country. around the world.
if home is where the heart is, then i feel i will never feel at home anymore.
my heart is too broken up.
too spread out.
too precariously balanced between indiana, texas, and colorado.
between america and thailand and mexico and guatemala.
between america and guatemala.
right now, guatemala holds a big part of my heart.
ever since i got "home" i've been feeling something missing.
i truly feel that i left my heart in guatemala.
as i go through my day, i am haunted by a question.
"what would i be doing right now if i was in guatemala?"
i've been out of the country before.
i liked mexico.
i enjoyed thailand.
but i fell in love with guatemala.
the culture is beautiful.
the people are beautiful.
the scenery is beautiful.
the hospitality is beautiful.
the joy is beautiful.
i don't want to get comfortable here.
i don't want to settle back into my routine.
i want to remain restless.
i'm afraid of becoming complacent.
of becoming apathetic.
of becoming worthless.
guatemala fueled my heart.
it gave me purpose.
it gave me hope.
guatemala was home while i was there.
as soon as i arrived, i felt complete.
whole.
at home.
i don't understand my love for guatemala.
i don't understand the purpose God has for guatemala in my life.
what i do know is this : i love it there.
i believe i will go back at some point.
i cannot wait for that day.
but.
i will learn to be content here.
i will continue looking for beauty in the small things.
i will live life to its fullest.
i will try to invest in the people around me.
because i know, that even though it may not seem like it right now,
God has a plan for me in monument.
in colorado.
in america.
here.
and i will not waste my life.
what does that word even mean?
where is my home?
my home is no longer indiana.
my home is no longer texas.
i am beginning to feel that my home is no longer colorado.
my heart is shattered and spread around the country. around the world.
if home is where the heart is, then i feel i will never feel at home anymore.
my heart is too broken up.
too spread out.
too precariously balanced between indiana, texas, and colorado.
between america and thailand and mexico and guatemala.
between america and guatemala.
right now, guatemala holds a big part of my heart.
ever since i got "home" i've been feeling something missing.
i truly feel that i left my heart in guatemala.
as i go through my day, i am haunted by a question.
"what would i be doing right now if i was in guatemala?"
i've been out of the country before.
i liked mexico.
i enjoyed thailand.
but i fell in love with guatemala.
the culture is beautiful.
the people are beautiful.
the scenery is beautiful.
the hospitality is beautiful.
the joy is beautiful.
i don't want to get comfortable here.
i don't want to settle back into my routine.
i want to remain restless.
i'm afraid of becoming complacent.
of becoming apathetic.
of becoming worthless.
guatemala fueled my heart.
it gave me purpose.
it gave me hope.
guatemala was home while i was there.
as soon as i arrived, i felt complete.
whole.
at home.
i don't understand my love for guatemala.
i don't understand the purpose God has for guatemala in my life.
what i do know is this : i love it there.
i believe i will go back at some point.
i cannot wait for that day.
but.
i will learn to be content here.
i will continue looking for beauty in the small things.
i will live life to its fullest.
i will try to invest in the people around me.
because i know, that even though it may not seem like it right now,
God has a plan for me in monument.
in colorado.
in america.
here.
and i will not waste my life.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
ruth 1. {relationships}
this summer, i must admit that my time in the word has been sporadic and haphazard. i will go for days in a row reading and diving into scripture, and then go for a few days without even opening my bible. my best friend and i were talking about this, and we decided to do some studying of the word together, starting with the book of ruth. today, we read ruth chapter 1. the main thing that stood out to me in this chapter were the following verses:
"where you go i will go, and where you stay i will stay. your people will be my people and your God my God. where you die i will die, and there i will be buried." {ruth 1:16b-17a}
where is my devotion to those around me? so often, we quit on those we love. we move on. we grow apart. we fight and refuse to speak again.
this week, at my grandpa's funeral, i met his dear friend jack. my grandpa and jack were best friends for 70 years, all the way until my grandpa passed away. they were always best friends. always. they weren't acquaintances...they shared their hearts with each other and challenged each other and drew each other closer to God. i've heard so much about jack that i can't even begin to tell the stories. i've grown up hearing about him, as he was such a major part of my grandpa's life. i was talking to jack's daughter and she was blown away by their friendship. she was almost 50, and had always known my grandpa - all her life, he was a major part of her family. she reflected on my grandpa and jack's friendship, saying "you just don't see friendships like that anymore. you don't see commitment to relationship. people move on all too often. people stop investing in each other."
both of these events have been strong reminders this week of the value of friendships. to be honest, i don't possess a commitment to relationships like my grandpa did. i don't possess a commitment to relationships like ruth did. i am trying to learn how to stick with people, even when they hurt me. even when they leave me broken, bruised, and scarred. i'm trying to remember that God has placed each and every person in my life for a reason, and i don't take advantage of that or seek God in that nearly enough.
i've been hurt by a lot of people. the people who promised to never give up on me and to love me no matter what are the ones who have hurt me most {excluding my parents}. friends have stabbed me in the back too many times to count. but i devalue those people and friendships, writing them off as meaningless, without remembering that God put them in my life with purpose.
my lesson of the day is that i need to invest in the people in my life. love on them. learn their hearts. stay faithful and loyal to them. i need to show people a godly example of friendship.
although she had no incentive, ruth stayed with naomi in the hard times, and was richly blessed for it. God stayed faithful to ruth as she stayed faithful to naomi. God will remain faithful to me, therefore i must remain faithful to those he has put in my life.
"where you go i will go, and where you stay i will stay. your people will be my people and your God my God. where you die i will die, and there i will be buried." {ruth 1:16b-17a}
where is my devotion to those around me? so often, we quit on those we love. we move on. we grow apart. we fight and refuse to speak again.
this week, at my grandpa's funeral, i met his dear friend jack. my grandpa and jack were best friends for 70 years, all the way until my grandpa passed away. they were always best friends. always. they weren't acquaintances...they shared their hearts with each other and challenged each other and drew each other closer to God. i've heard so much about jack that i can't even begin to tell the stories. i've grown up hearing about him, as he was such a major part of my grandpa's life. i was talking to jack's daughter and she was blown away by their friendship. she was almost 50, and had always known my grandpa - all her life, he was a major part of her family. she reflected on my grandpa and jack's friendship, saying "you just don't see friendships like that anymore. you don't see commitment to relationship. people move on all too often. people stop investing in each other."
both of these events have been strong reminders this week of the value of friendships. to be honest, i don't possess a commitment to relationships like my grandpa did. i don't possess a commitment to relationships like ruth did. i am trying to learn how to stick with people, even when they hurt me. even when they leave me broken, bruised, and scarred. i'm trying to remember that God has placed each and every person in my life for a reason, and i don't take advantage of that or seek God in that nearly enough.
i've been hurt by a lot of people. the people who promised to never give up on me and to love me no matter what are the ones who have hurt me most {excluding my parents}. friends have stabbed me in the back too many times to count. but i devalue those people and friendships, writing them off as meaningless, without remembering that God put them in my life with purpose.
my lesson of the day is that i need to invest in the people in my life. love on them. learn their hearts. stay faithful and loyal to them. i need to show people a godly example of friendship.
although she had no incentive, ruth stayed with naomi in the hard times, and was richly blessed for it. God stayed faithful to ruth as she stayed faithful to naomi. God will remain faithful to me, therefore i must remain faithful to those he has put in my life.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
i left my heart in guatemala.
i'm currently running on 4 hrs of sleep {for the third night in a row} but i wanted to throw up a blog post of my trip to guatemala. i think i'll just put together a bunch of excerpts from the journal i kept while i was there. (:
7-17:
such a long day, but so incredible. we got up at 3am and left the church at 4 for the airport, where we flew from denver to houston and houston to guatemala city. once in guatemala city, we took a chicken bus to antigua. the flights were physically rough on me, a combination of lack of sleep, new medication, and the turbulence we experienced. the bus ride was wonderful. it was such good team bonding time, and it was a fantastic way to see the city and see a little of guatemala. this country is absolutely gorgeous. everything is lush and green and tropical. even the buildings are breathtaking. we are staying in the cutest hotel ever in antigua. i can't wait to start ministry work!
7-18:
woke up, had breakfast, and got on the chicken bus to head to paquip. halfway there, we stopped at iximche, which is some mayan ruins. lunch at the ruins, and then back on the bus to paquip. more great bonding time. (: i'm loving paquip. the kids have such sweet spirits. this is such a humbling experience...i feel so american and touristy and i feel like i know no spanish, but that's not my desire. my desire is to belong in places like this. for places like this to be home. my heart goes out to places like this - paquip is an example of a place my heart beats for. so i'm trying to figure out what my calling is - what my purpose is . i want to know now, but i have a feeling God is asking me to trust Him with my future at this point instead of revealing things to me about it. this trip is going to be a good chance to get some perspective on life and become myself again. i've fallen in love with this place already. it's going to be so hard to leave. while i'm here, i want my heart to be healed from what is breaking my heart and broken for what breaks my Papa's heart. we have such an amazing team, and i am so excited and blessed to be spending my time with them. the girls have been so welcoming and inclusive and open, and the guys have been so chivalrous. i'm loving this already!
7-19:
what an interesting day. this morning, i found out that grandpa anthony passed away last night. i've been pretty emotionally unbalanced. thankfully, it was a construction day and i got to do some manual labor to help me process things. we started building a church in panabar today. my group moved cinderblocks, sand, and 2 piles {mountains} of rocks, as well as pouring concrete and cutting rebar. i love my group. {me, erin, sarah, chessa, june, tyler, max, dakota, ben, luke, and elena.} they have been such a blessing today as i'm trying to grieve and process things. lately, i've been reminded of how guys should treat girls, both at work and here in guatemala. what a good reminder for me to stick to my standards and be reminded that there are some amazing guys out there! i'm learning so much here already. after construction, we came back to paquip to observe and help with a vbs. while i was there, i was off by myself struggling emotionally about grandpa's death, and this little girl named mireli {she was probably 4 or 5} came up to me, took my hand, and sat down by me. she cuddled with me, played with my ring, and wore my sunglasses. she reminded me of the power of reaching out to others. after she left, a group of us girls went and learned how to make tortillas. authentic, guatemalan tortillas. (: tortilla making was another powerful experience for me. i sat and talked and laughed with these guatemalan women and girls and thought "this is what community is." the women were so very eager to share their culture with us and teach us the tricks of the trade, even though we were a bunch of gringos. they blew me away with their hospitality and willingness to help us learn, even though we were probably slowing them down. these two experiences made my day and caused me to think. what kind of impact could i have if i reached out like these women and girls did? what about at work? could i have an impact if i gave up my own desires and reached out unabashedly with no regard to my own desires and ideas? tony asked the question tonight "what if we lived every day like we were on a mission trip? what would that look like?" this question was so convicting for me, because i wait for convenience to reach out and live a joyful lifestyle. i wait until it's easy or until i have time or until i'm in the mood. because of this, i'm realizing that i'm not living out my calling right now. this week, i'm trying to figure out how to take home the lessons i'm learning and integrate them into my life. i want to go home changed. a major part of this change will be learning to grieve in a healthy way. i don't grieve well, and i feel that that holds me back from living a life of extravagant love. i don't want to sink back into life as i've always known it when i get home. okay...lights out now...ready for some good sleep. tomorrow we do vbs!
7-20:
today was so long, but so good. i was in a vbs group and we did our vbs twice today. the first vbs was at a school on the other side of town. the kids were so very sweet, as all guatemalan children seem to be. we played keep the balloon in the air and they absolutely loved it. watching them express their joy over such a simple activity has touched my heart in a deep place. {where is my joy in the small things? i desire to find that joy in the small things.} after vbs was over, we went to the store and got ice cream and walked back to the part of paquip where we are staying. we had lunch, hung out, and prepped for our afternoon vbs, which was at the other school in paquip. all things considered, it went really well. then i walked back down to the store afterward with some of my favorite people. (: the most precious kids came and swarmed us when we were there. they were asking me all sorts of questions, completely surrounding me. i waded through my little knowledge of spanish to attempt to converse with them, and they were so gracious about my mis-pronunciation and incorrect conjugations. we bought the kids some food and then headed back up to the other part of paquip. when we got back, i played soccer with the boys. or at least tried...these kids are great at soccer, and my long skirt wasn't helping me play! afterwards, the kids all surrounded me and were giggling and making fun of me, repeating everything i'd say in a higher pitched voice with feminine hand motions. we were all laughing so hard we were crying. i also played tag with miley and mireli, and hide and seek with a bunch of kids, which was great. we laughed so hard the whole time. (: the kids all kept coming up to me and calling me "bonita monita" which apparently means "beautiful little monkey." the rest of the time i was there, they referred to me as monita, which i found absolutely hilarious. (: when i was spending my time with these kids, i felt the purest joy i can remember. God is using these kids to heal my heart, and it has needed healing for so very long. after dinner, we hung out with the kids again and they taught me some quiche {sp?} which is their first language. {quiche is a mayan dialect, and spanish is most of these villagers second language.} they would giggle at my pronunciation and correct me until i had it perfectly. (: then came debriefing...the team debriefs every night. tonight, tony played the song "you hold me now" and i just wept. admittedly, it was so good to allow myself to grieve a bit. i love this place. honestly, i expected to like it and to enjoy it, but not to fall in love with it. i feel like i've fallen in love with guatemala. a huge part of my heart is going to get left here with the culture, the team i worked with, and the kiddos like miley, mireli, cristofer, and juan antonio. these kids possess a joy that i desire with the bottom of my heart. i want to be different. changed. transformed. wrecked. i need my Papa to make that happen, however, and to allow my heart to remain soft even when i get home. my goal is to make the most of the time at home. to learn to love monument. to cut down the distractions. to minimize the things that draw me away from my Papa.
7-21:
today was so crazy! this morning we got up at 5am to go on a breathtaking hike, and when we got back we hung out at the church and then some people did construction and vbs, and my team went on a long prayer walk. we went back down to the store. erin and i were prayer walk partners and i'm just so blessed to have her on this trip! she's been such a blessing to me! after the prayer walk, we went back up to the house and had lunch and packed up to go. leaving was so difficult. when i went up to say my goodbyes, the kids were shouting "monita! monita!" and it almost put me in tears. i sat with luis and cristian and we giggled and spent time together while luis made a bead necklace. we all said teary goodbyes and took pictures. pictures that i will value forever. paster valerio prayed us off, and we headed off. it was so emotional for me to leave. i need to come back to this place...it has stolen my heart! right before we left paquip, the group of girls that stayed in the house with me gave clothes, snacks, coloring books, and other things to the people who opened their home to us. the woman of the house kept calling us all hermanas...sisters. i was so unbelievably humbled to be called this woman's sister. so blessed to be included in this family. after leaving, we drove to lake atitlan and took a boat across to santiago. guatemala is absolutely breathtaking. i cannot get over it. in santiago, everyone swam until dinner, and after dinner we did another debrief. the story that keeps coming back to me this week is the story of mireli comforting me. she changed me this week...taught me how to have a soft heart again. i'll miss her. after debriefing, i laid in a hammock and talked to some people, just sharing stories and lives and hearts. what a blessing. the team dynamics have been so much better than i expected, and i've loved it. overall, it was a bittersweet day, but a good one. for some reason, i fully expect to go back to paquip someday, which almost made leaving easier. this week has gone far too fast, which is so sad. i want weeks...months. i understand that i can't go home changed by myself, so i'm asking Papa to change me...transform me.
7-22:
this morning, we got up, got ready, and walked through santiago. the bus couldn't make it through the city very easily, so we walked and met the bus somewhere. we got to be part of the parade! (: it was actually very interesting to observe the parade and get to see some more of guatemala. i love it. we took a bus to antigua and did a bit of shopping before debrief and bed. it was the most uneventful day of the trip, but it was so good. so good to continue bonding with the team. they've become my family this week, helping me through the death of grandpa a. i'm so unbelievably blessed by them. <3
7-23:
last day...how heartbreaking. woke up, had breakfast, and went to the market for a little longer. afterwards, we got on the chicken bus and headed to guatemala city, where we got on the plane. the chicken bus ride was great as usual. wonderful time with my team. (: i have grown to love everyone on it so much. we have such great dynamics and unity, which is a huge blessing. they could have been the make it or break it factor. we barely made it on our second flight...we had 40 mins to get 40 people through customs, security, and boarding. the airline held the flight for us, though, which was so wonderful. just another reminder that God has his hand on me. (: last night at debrief, i realized that i've had a really rough couple of months {well i already knew that part} and God has used guatemala to heal my heart. a major part of that healing has been the team. they have come alongside my family so much and become my family this week. i'm going to miss them. it's crazy - i don't feel like i've ever grown to love a whole group of people as much as i love this team, especially in such a short time period. what an answer to prayer. i feel like God has a lot of teaching to do, especially when i get home. i need to learn to truly be content, no matter the situation. i have so many lessons and so much maturing that needs to be done in this next year. it's definitely going to be a year of growing, learning, maturing, etc. i need to stay focused on the right things, making sure to intentionally allow God to mold me into the person he desires me to be instead of wasting my time away and pining away for the future. God has plans for me. i know and believe that. however, i have to stop pushing against him and being so stubborn and hard headed. i need to learn to live intentionally with love, instead of wasting my days and weeks. God has taught me so much on this trip and opened my eyes to so much. i cannot wait to continue listening and learning.
a couple major take aways:
- how can we live every day like it's a mission trip?
- live with no regrets. life is short.
- let love fill every action.
- every moment is God-ordained, but not every moment needs to be filled with things.
- joy is found in simple beauties.
- peace can truly overwhelm.
- everyone is hurting. treat them like it.
- we see things every day through our "usa lenses" and on this trip, we've begun to see things through a mix of "usa lenses" and "guatemalan lenses." i don't want to lose my guatemalan vision at home.
7-17:
such a long day, but so incredible. we got up at 3am and left the church at 4 for the airport, where we flew from denver to houston and houston to guatemala city. once in guatemala city, we took a chicken bus to antigua. the flights were physically rough on me, a combination of lack of sleep, new medication, and the turbulence we experienced. the bus ride was wonderful. it was such good team bonding time, and it was a fantastic way to see the city and see a little of guatemala. this country is absolutely gorgeous. everything is lush and green and tropical. even the buildings are breathtaking. we are staying in the cutest hotel ever in antigua. i can't wait to start ministry work!
7-18:
woke up, had breakfast, and got on the chicken bus to head to paquip. halfway there, we stopped at iximche, which is some mayan ruins. lunch at the ruins, and then back on the bus to paquip. more great bonding time. (: i'm loving paquip. the kids have such sweet spirits. this is such a humbling experience...i feel so american and touristy and i feel like i know no spanish, but that's not my desire. my desire is to belong in places like this. for places like this to be home. my heart goes out to places like this - paquip is an example of a place my heart beats for. so i'm trying to figure out what my calling is - what my purpose is . i want to know now, but i have a feeling God is asking me to trust Him with my future at this point instead of revealing things to me about it. this trip is going to be a good chance to get some perspective on life and become myself again. i've fallen in love with this place already. it's going to be so hard to leave. while i'm here, i want my heart to be healed from what is breaking my heart and broken for what breaks my Papa's heart. we have such an amazing team, and i am so excited and blessed to be spending my time with them. the girls have been so welcoming and inclusive and open, and the guys have been so chivalrous. i'm loving this already!
7-19:
what an interesting day. this morning, i found out that grandpa anthony passed away last night. i've been pretty emotionally unbalanced. thankfully, it was a construction day and i got to do some manual labor to help me process things. we started building a church in panabar today. my group moved cinderblocks, sand, and 2 piles {mountains} of rocks, as well as pouring concrete and cutting rebar. i love my group. {me, erin, sarah, chessa, june, tyler, max, dakota, ben, luke, and elena.} they have been such a blessing today as i'm trying to grieve and process things. lately, i've been reminded of how guys should treat girls, both at work and here in guatemala. what a good reminder for me to stick to my standards and be reminded that there are some amazing guys out there! i'm learning so much here already. after construction, we came back to paquip to observe and help with a vbs. while i was there, i was off by myself struggling emotionally about grandpa's death, and this little girl named mireli {she was probably 4 or 5} came up to me, took my hand, and sat down by me. she cuddled with me, played with my ring, and wore my sunglasses. she reminded me of the power of reaching out to others. after she left, a group of us girls went and learned how to make tortillas. authentic, guatemalan tortillas. (: tortilla making was another powerful experience for me. i sat and talked and laughed with these guatemalan women and girls and thought "this is what community is." the women were so very eager to share their culture with us and teach us the tricks of the trade, even though we were a bunch of gringos. they blew me away with their hospitality and willingness to help us learn, even though we were probably slowing them down. these two experiences made my day and caused me to think. what kind of impact could i have if i reached out like these women and girls did? what about at work? could i have an impact if i gave up my own desires and reached out unabashedly with no regard to my own desires and ideas? tony asked the question tonight "what if we lived every day like we were on a mission trip? what would that look like?" this question was so convicting for me, because i wait for convenience to reach out and live a joyful lifestyle. i wait until it's easy or until i have time or until i'm in the mood. because of this, i'm realizing that i'm not living out my calling right now. this week, i'm trying to figure out how to take home the lessons i'm learning and integrate them into my life. i want to go home changed. a major part of this change will be learning to grieve in a healthy way. i don't grieve well, and i feel that that holds me back from living a life of extravagant love. i don't want to sink back into life as i've always known it when i get home. okay...lights out now...ready for some good sleep. tomorrow we do vbs!
7-20:
today was so long, but so good. i was in a vbs group and we did our vbs twice today. the first vbs was at a school on the other side of town. the kids were so very sweet, as all guatemalan children seem to be. we played keep the balloon in the air and they absolutely loved it. watching them express their joy over such a simple activity has touched my heart in a deep place. {where is my joy in the small things? i desire to find that joy in the small things.} after vbs was over, we went to the store and got ice cream and walked back to the part of paquip where we are staying. we had lunch, hung out, and prepped for our afternoon vbs, which was at the other school in paquip. all things considered, it went really well. then i walked back down to the store afterward with some of my favorite people. (: the most precious kids came and swarmed us when we were there. they were asking me all sorts of questions, completely surrounding me. i waded through my little knowledge of spanish to attempt to converse with them, and they were so gracious about my mis-pronunciation and incorrect conjugations. we bought the kids some food and then headed back up to the other part of paquip. when we got back, i played soccer with the boys. or at least tried...these kids are great at soccer, and my long skirt wasn't helping me play! afterwards, the kids all surrounded me and were giggling and making fun of me, repeating everything i'd say in a higher pitched voice with feminine hand motions. we were all laughing so hard we were crying. i also played tag with miley and mireli, and hide and seek with a bunch of kids, which was great. we laughed so hard the whole time. (: the kids all kept coming up to me and calling me "bonita monita" which apparently means "beautiful little monkey." the rest of the time i was there, they referred to me as monita, which i found absolutely hilarious. (: when i was spending my time with these kids, i felt the purest joy i can remember. God is using these kids to heal my heart, and it has needed healing for so very long. after dinner, we hung out with the kids again and they taught me some quiche {sp?} which is their first language. {quiche is a mayan dialect, and spanish is most of these villagers second language.} they would giggle at my pronunciation and correct me until i had it perfectly. (: then came debriefing...the team debriefs every night. tonight, tony played the song "you hold me now" and i just wept. admittedly, it was so good to allow myself to grieve a bit. i love this place. honestly, i expected to like it and to enjoy it, but not to fall in love with it. i feel like i've fallen in love with guatemala. a huge part of my heart is going to get left here with the culture, the team i worked with, and the kiddos like miley, mireli, cristofer, and juan antonio. these kids possess a joy that i desire with the bottom of my heart. i want to be different. changed. transformed. wrecked. i need my Papa to make that happen, however, and to allow my heart to remain soft even when i get home. my goal is to make the most of the time at home. to learn to love monument. to cut down the distractions. to minimize the things that draw me away from my Papa.
7-21:
today was so crazy! this morning we got up at 5am to go on a breathtaking hike, and when we got back we hung out at the church and then some people did construction and vbs, and my team went on a long prayer walk. we went back down to the store. erin and i were prayer walk partners and i'm just so blessed to have her on this trip! she's been such a blessing to me! after the prayer walk, we went back up to the house and had lunch and packed up to go. leaving was so difficult. when i went up to say my goodbyes, the kids were shouting "monita! monita!" and it almost put me in tears. i sat with luis and cristian and we giggled and spent time together while luis made a bead necklace. we all said teary goodbyes and took pictures. pictures that i will value forever. paster valerio prayed us off, and we headed off. it was so emotional for me to leave. i need to come back to this place...it has stolen my heart! right before we left paquip, the group of girls that stayed in the house with me gave clothes, snacks, coloring books, and other things to the people who opened their home to us. the woman of the house kept calling us all hermanas...sisters. i was so unbelievably humbled to be called this woman's sister. so blessed to be included in this family. after leaving, we drove to lake atitlan and took a boat across to santiago. guatemala is absolutely breathtaking. i cannot get over it. in santiago, everyone swam until dinner, and after dinner we did another debrief. the story that keeps coming back to me this week is the story of mireli comforting me. she changed me this week...taught me how to have a soft heart again. i'll miss her. after debriefing, i laid in a hammock and talked to some people, just sharing stories and lives and hearts. what a blessing. the team dynamics have been so much better than i expected, and i've loved it. overall, it was a bittersweet day, but a good one. for some reason, i fully expect to go back to paquip someday, which almost made leaving easier. this week has gone far too fast, which is so sad. i want weeks...months. i understand that i can't go home changed by myself, so i'm asking Papa to change me...transform me.
7-22:
this morning, we got up, got ready, and walked through santiago. the bus couldn't make it through the city very easily, so we walked and met the bus somewhere. we got to be part of the parade! (: it was actually very interesting to observe the parade and get to see some more of guatemala. i love it. we took a bus to antigua and did a bit of shopping before debrief and bed. it was the most uneventful day of the trip, but it was so good. so good to continue bonding with the team. they've become my family this week, helping me through the death of grandpa a. i'm so unbelievably blessed by them. <3
7-23:
last day...how heartbreaking. woke up, had breakfast, and went to the market for a little longer. afterwards, we got on the chicken bus and headed to guatemala city, where we got on the plane. the chicken bus ride was great as usual. wonderful time with my team. (: i have grown to love everyone on it so much. we have such great dynamics and unity, which is a huge blessing. they could have been the make it or break it factor. we barely made it on our second flight...we had 40 mins to get 40 people through customs, security, and boarding. the airline held the flight for us, though, which was so wonderful. just another reminder that God has his hand on me. (: last night at debrief, i realized that i've had a really rough couple of months {well i already knew that part} and God has used guatemala to heal my heart. a major part of that healing has been the team. they have come alongside my family so much and become my family this week. i'm going to miss them. it's crazy - i don't feel like i've ever grown to love a whole group of people as much as i love this team, especially in such a short time period. what an answer to prayer. i feel like God has a lot of teaching to do, especially when i get home. i need to learn to truly be content, no matter the situation. i have so many lessons and so much maturing that needs to be done in this next year. it's definitely going to be a year of growing, learning, maturing, etc. i need to stay focused on the right things, making sure to intentionally allow God to mold me into the person he desires me to be instead of wasting my time away and pining away for the future. God has plans for me. i know and believe that. however, i have to stop pushing against him and being so stubborn and hard headed. i need to learn to live intentionally with love, instead of wasting my days and weeks. God has taught me so much on this trip and opened my eyes to so much. i cannot wait to continue listening and learning.
a couple major take aways:
- how can we live every day like it's a mission trip?
- live with no regrets. life is short.
- let love fill every action.
- every moment is God-ordained, but not every moment needs to be filled with things.
- joy is found in simple beauties.
- peace can truly overwhelm.
- everyone is hurting. treat them like it.
- we see things every day through our "usa lenses" and on this trip, we've begun to see things through a mix of "usa lenses" and "guatemalan lenses." i don't want to lose my guatemalan vision at home.
Monday, May 23, 2011
blessed.
i am extraordinarily blessed. extraordinarily blessed. all too often, i forget that. i focus on the difficult things in life, allowing them to blur my vision and cloud my thoughts. i forget that i have fantastic parents and friends, and that {for the most part} my life is going pretty smoothly.
i have "speed bumps" in my thought process. sometimes, these "speed bumps" last for days or weeks or even months. during these bumps, i lose sight of what really matters and focus on the menial things that are going incorrectly. {or at least, what i perceive to be incorrectly. i am forever becoming more aware of God's plan and my plan not being identical.} during these bumps, i can't see beyond the difficult. the seemingly impossible. the things in life that are just no fun. sometimes even the inevitable.
this week, i have been reminded that i have a God bigger than circumstances. i am learning that i need to focus on the lesson learned in the circumstances rather than the difficulties themselves. unfortunately, i wait until extremely low points before shifting my focus off of "why me?!" and onto "what does God have for me to learn through this?"
through this refocusing, i have learned that my future plans and God's future plans don't match up completely. i'm also learning that it's okay to let go of my future plans. God first asked me to give up my future plans back in january, and it was a painful thing to do. fear washed over me as questions of "now what?" flooded my mind. since then, i have become better at letting things go. i am able to trust that my Papa has a bigger plan. and trust that it's okay to be uncertain. i know my last post said that God showed me that i don't trust as well as i think i do, and that is most definitely true. but when it comes to my future, i am holding my hands open to him and allowing him control. it's a scary experience, but it's a good learning process.
i am blessed. i am blessed that God is teaching me these lessons. i am blessed to learn them at the age of 17 instead of 20 or 30 or 40 years down the road. i trust that the lessons i am learning now will have to be re-learned at different points in my life, but i also trust that God will be patient in the re-teaching process.
at this point, i am realizing just how fortunate i am, and i hope to hold on to that knowledge for a while. i have my days where i can't see the blessings {i'm like a toddler sometimes...kicking and screaming against reality} but am praying for more days full of the knowledge that i am blessed.
i have "speed bumps" in my thought process. sometimes, these "speed bumps" last for days or weeks or even months. during these bumps, i lose sight of what really matters and focus on the menial things that are going incorrectly. {or at least, what i perceive to be incorrectly. i am forever becoming more aware of God's plan and my plan not being identical.} during these bumps, i can't see beyond the difficult. the seemingly impossible. the things in life that are just no fun. sometimes even the inevitable.
this week, i have been reminded that i have a God bigger than circumstances. i am learning that i need to focus on the lesson learned in the circumstances rather than the difficulties themselves. unfortunately, i wait until extremely low points before shifting my focus off of "why me?!" and onto "what does God have for me to learn through this?"
through this refocusing, i have learned that my future plans and God's future plans don't match up completely. i'm also learning that it's okay to let go of my future plans. God first asked me to give up my future plans back in january, and it was a painful thing to do. fear washed over me as questions of "now what?" flooded my mind. since then, i have become better at letting things go. i am able to trust that my Papa has a bigger plan. and trust that it's okay to be uncertain. i know my last post said that God showed me that i don't trust as well as i think i do, and that is most definitely true. but when it comes to my future, i am holding my hands open to him and allowing him control. it's a scary experience, but it's a good learning process.
i am blessed. i am blessed that God is teaching me these lessons. i am blessed to learn them at the age of 17 instead of 20 or 30 or 40 years down the road. i trust that the lessons i am learning now will have to be re-learned at different points in my life, but i also trust that God will be patient in the re-teaching process.
at this point, i am realizing just how fortunate i am, and i hope to hold on to that knowledge for a while. i have my days where i can't see the blessings {i'm like a toddler sometimes...kicking and screaming against reality} but am praying for more days full of the knowledge that i am blessed.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
growing up, worrying, and such.
in 2 days, i am done with finals - done with the school portion of senior year.
in 13 days, i graduate high school.
in 202 days, i turn 18.
in about 460 days, i leave for college.
i am terrified for these 4 events. i literally can not think about them without being overwhelmed with a heart-wrenching bittersweet feeling. i am not quite sure why i am so paralyzingly afraid of these things. now, don't get me wrong...i am so excited for these days and can not wait for the next chapters in my life, but i definitely feel more than elation. i will be the first to admit that i am terrified for the future. i have no idea what life holds after college.
i worry. a lot.
i worry about finances. {i'm trying to graduate college debt free...}
i worry about the girls i nanny for.
i worry about my grades.
i worry about what the future holds after college. {aka i have no idea.}
i worry about the summer.
i worry about not getting the job i am interviewing for tomorrow.
i worry about next school year.
i also have chronic neck pain and headaches. perhaps this worrying attributes to my chronic pain. i am going to a doctor of osteopathy on thursday to try to diagnose my pain, as it's become impossible to live with. i hope and pray that i will reach some sort of conclusion or diagnosis, as i have so much hope that this appointment will make life better somehow.
on wednesday night, i had a bit of an encounter with God. {okay that's an understatement. God kind of wrecked me on wednesday night.} he told me the following:
- i don't have hope for the future right now.
- i don't trust him as much as i say i do.
uh yeah i didn't take it so well at first. i'm afraid that these 2 tie together - i don't have hope for the future because i don't trust my God to take care of it.
can i get really honest for a second?
because of some past circumstances, i really struggle trusting. especially trusting God. but i'm afraid i'm going to have to work on that before i can move very far forward.
so here i go. diving into God head first {admittedly, with my eyes shut. i'm scared...} and heart first, hopeful that he will restore me.
in 13 days, i graduate high school.
in 202 days, i turn 18.
in about 460 days, i leave for college.
i am terrified for these 4 events. i literally can not think about them without being overwhelmed with a heart-wrenching bittersweet feeling. i am not quite sure why i am so paralyzingly afraid of these things. now, don't get me wrong...i am so excited for these days and can not wait for the next chapters in my life, but i definitely feel more than elation. i will be the first to admit that i am terrified for the future. i have no idea what life holds after college.
i worry. a lot.
i worry about finances. {i'm trying to graduate college debt free...}
i worry about the girls i nanny for.
i worry about my grades.
i worry about what the future holds after college. {aka i have no idea.}
i worry about the summer.
i worry about not getting the job i am interviewing for tomorrow.
i worry about next school year.
i also have chronic neck pain and headaches. perhaps this worrying attributes to my chronic pain. i am going to a doctor of osteopathy on thursday to try to diagnose my pain, as it's become impossible to live with. i hope and pray that i will reach some sort of conclusion or diagnosis, as i have so much hope that this appointment will make life better somehow.
on wednesday night, i had a bit of an encounter with God. {okay that's an understatement. God kind of wrecked me on wednesday night.} he told me the following:
- i don't have hope for the future right now.
- i don't trust him as much as i say i do.
uh yeah i didn't take it so well at first. i'm afraid that these 2 tie together - i don't have hope for the future because i don't trust my God to take care of it.
can i get really honest for a second?
because of some past circumstances, i really struggle trusting. especially trusting God. but i'm afraid i'm going to have to work on that before i can move very far forward.
so here i go. diving into God head first {admittedly, with my eyes shut. i'm scared...} and heart first, hopeful that he will restore me.
Monday, April 4, 2011
6 weeks.
6 weeks. seis semanas. seis. "6 weeks of what?" you may be thinking. "SCHOOL, i tell you. only 6 more weeks left of high school!" {well to get technical, i graduate in 54 days. not that i'm counting. and have been counting since december...but 6 weeks until i'm done with classes. i'm not sure i have EVER been so excited for summer.
this summer :
- no school!
- rabbi project
- trip to indiana?
- trip to guatemala! {let me know if you want to support me. i need help paying hah}
- loren and melissa's wedding (:
- seeing my brother off to "real college"
- countless hours and days with friends
- late nights
- countless hours and days with friends
- laying out
- babysitting
- games with siblings
- getting FIT.
- everything else. {stargazing, movies, naps, open windows, etc.}
did you see the second to last one? getting fit. for uhm...a long long time i've been talking about working out and getting in shape. i.must.accomplish.this.goal.
my friend elizabeth and i are going to purchase flat abs videos and keep each other accountable to get in shape. we want our beach bodies. {like we really want them.}
my hope is that by posting this i will be kept accountable. we shall see.
ANYWAYS...
if you were unable to tell, i am pretty dang excited about this summer. i'm pretty determined to make it the best summer of my life.
this summer :
- no school!
- rabbi project
- trip to indiana?
- trip to guatemala! {let me know if you want to support me. i need help paying hah}
- loren and melissa's wedding (:
- seeing my brother off to "real college"
- countless hours and days with friends
- late nights
- countless hours and days with friends
- laying out
- babysitting
- games with siblings
- getting FIT.
- everything else. {stargazing, movies, naps, open windows, etc.}
did you see the second to last one? getting fit. for uhm...a long long time i've been talking about working out and getting in shape. i.must.accomplish.this.goal.
my friend elizabeth and i are going to purchase flat abs videos and keep each other accountable to get in shape. we want our beach bodies. {like we really want them.}
my hope is that by posting this i will be kept accountable. we shall see.
ANYWAYS...
if you were unable to tell, i am pretty dang excited about this summer. i'm pretty determined to make it the best summer of my life.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
cue insecurity.
disclaimer: the following post is not put in place to invoke sympathy or fish for compliments. i just need to get some things off my chest.
well...where to begin. i guess i've never been an extremely confident person. okay scratch that. i've always been at different phases of insecurity. i have friends who are extremely confident in themselves and in their looks, but i'm afraid i have never been that way. {don't get me wrong : i can act with the best of them. i've had people be extremely surprised upon finding out how insecure i am, but i guess i just do a lot of faking.} i'm not proud of my insecurity. in fact, i would love to look you in the eye and tell you that i am confident in the young woman God has created me to be.
the truth is...i'm not. i'm not confident in who i am in the least bit.
i go through phases of seeing glimpses of myself through my Father's eyes, but this is far from the norm for me. i have gotten better this past year about seeing myself as beautiful, but i am still painfully insecure.
as i type tonight, my heart is heavy and i regret admitting these things to the lovely world of blogging. i wish desperately to continue pushing the truth down, but i'm not sure i can keep up the game any longer. tears fall as my fears and insecurity bubble over. there are times when i feel i'm going to drown in it all. i smile on the outside and cry on the inside. i know it's "normal" for teenage girls to be insecure, but i'm overwhelmed.
when your good friends have eating disorders yet are smaller than you, it's difficult to grasp God's view of yourself. {of course this is hypothetical? okay not really.} i look in the mirror and am disappointed by what i see. i try to figure out how to fix my flaws as i scrutinize myself. i am disgusted by myself and my empty promises of improving myself. i do nothing about my insecurity. nothing but let it fester inside of me, growing bitterness toward those who don't have to deal with the feelings i have or those who are too gorgeous to even have flaws.
i play the comparison game...sitting back and observing others, allowing myself to become jealous of their beauty. i compare every feature of myself to others, never allowing myself to "win" this twisted game i play. you see, blogging world, i find beauty in everyone but myself.
in february, i attended a concert, and mercy me was playing there. they played the song beautiful and it wrecked me. here are the lyrics :
days will come when you don't have the strength
when all you hear is you're not worth anything
wondering if you ever could be loved
and if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
i'm praying that you have the heart to find
cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
for all the lies you've held inside so long
and they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
before you ever took a breath
long before the world began
of all the wonders He possessed
there was one more precious
of all the earth and skies above
you're the one He madly loves
enough to die
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
in His eyes
you're beautiful
you were meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
this song wrecked me, y'all. this song makes me feel worth something. i honestly believe it was given to me by my Papa to teach me and remind me of something very important. i have value.
the night of this concert, God asked me to do a little something called no makeup march. yeah. not a fan. but it's been good. it's currently 26 days into march and i am realizing i have a lot more to learn. a whole dang lot. so i'm diving into my Papa. begging him to show me how he sees me. pleading with him to change my eyes into his. because i'm tired of hating the person i see in the mirror, and most of all, i'm tired of my heart hurting because i know i'm breaking my Father's heart.
i'm ready to give up my stubborn opinions of myself and listen to his gentle voice.
well...where to begin. i guess i've never been an extremely confident person. okay scratch that. i've always been at different phases of insecurity. i have friends who are extremely confident in themselves and in their looks, but i'm afraid i have never been that way. {don't get me wrong : i can act with the best of them. i've had people be extremely surprised upon finding out how insecure i am, but i guess i just do a lot of faking.} i'm not proud of my insecurity. in fact, i would love to look you in the eye and tell you that i am confident in the young woman God has created me to be.
the truth is...i'm not. i'm not confident in who i am in the least bit.
i go through phases of seeing glimpses of myself through my Father's eyes, but this is far from the norm for me. i have gotten better this past year about seeing myself as beautiful, but i am still painfully insecure.
as i type tonight, my heart is heavy and i regret admitting these things to the lovely world of blogging. i wish desperately to continue pushing the truth down, but i'm not sure i can keep up the game any longer. tears fall as my fears and insecurity bubble over. there are times when i feel i'm going to drown in it all. i smile on the outside and cry on the inside. i know it's "normal" for teenage girls to be insecure, but i'm overwhelmed.
when your good friends have eating disorders yet are smaller than you, it's difficult to grasp God's view of yourself. {of course this is hypothetical? okay not really.} i look in the mirror and am disappointed by what i see. i try to figure out how to fix my flaws as i scrutinize myself. i am disgusted by myself and my empty promises of improving myself. i do nothing about my insecurity. nothing but let it fester inside of me, growing bitterness toward those who don't have to deal with the feelings i have or those who are too gorgeous to even have flaws.
i play the comparison game...sitting back and observing others, allowing myself to become jealous of their beauty. i compare every feature of myself to others, never allowing myself to "win" this twisted game i play. you see, blogging world, i find beauty in everyone but myself.
in february, i attended a concert, and mercy me was playing there. they played the song beautiful and it wrecked me. here are the lyrics :
days will come when you don't have the strength
when all you hear is you're not worth anything
wondering if you ever could be loved
and if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
i'm praying that you have the heart to find
cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
for all the lies you've held inside so long
and they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
before you ever took a breath
long before the world began
of all the wonders He possessed
there was one more precious
of all the earth and skies above
you're the one He madly loves
enough to die
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
in His eyes
you're beautiful
you were meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
this song wrecked me, y'all. this song makes me feel worth something. i honestly believe it was given to me by my Papa to teach me and remind me of something very important. i have value.
the night of this concert, God asked me to do a little something called no makeup march. yeah. not a fan. but it's been good. it's currently 26 days into march and i am realizing i have a lot more to learn. a whole dang lot. so i'm diving into my Papa. begging him to show me how he sees me. pleading with him to change my eyes into his. because i'm tired of hating the person i see in the mirror, and most of all, i'm tired of my heart hurting because i know i'm breaking my Father's heart.
i'm ready to give up my stubborn opinions of myself and listen to his gentle voice.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
a conversation.
my love. it is time for you to learn to love the people you don't like.
but Papa. don't you know i don't want to do that? haven't you been pushing me enough lately?
trust me.
but Papa. really. can't i have a break? can't i have a week of living my own way without having to worry about what's best for everyone around me and what will stretch and grow me?
i gave up my place in perfection to come reach out to people like you. i devoted my life entirely to furthering the kingdom of heaven. to pursuing the hearts of the people i so passionately love. i know what it's like to be tempted to follow one's own desires. i will give you strength. i will give you purpose.
i know. but to be brutally honest, sometimes i just want to focus on myself. why can't people reach out to me? why do i always have to be the one to reach out? the one to love? the one to pursue?
i am stretching you, my darling. i am preparing you for the future. i am asking you to look past yourself to my desires and purposes. i know what i'm doing.
i know, i know. but can't you stretch me a little...well...slower?
is that really what you desire?
well no...
do you trust me?
of course!
really?
yes.
then know that i am about to do a great work in you.
okay. i'm ready. but i'm going to need some help.
i know. i am here for you. i love you. i will equip you to do the things i am challenging you to do. you are not in this alone.
i'm ready.
but Papa. don't you know i don't want to do that? haven't you been pushing me enough lately?
trust me.
but Papa. really. can't i have a break? can't i have a week of living my own way without having to worry about what's best for everyone around me and what will stretch and grow me?
i gave up my place in perfection to come reach out to people like you. i devoted my life entirely to furthering the kingdom of heaven. to pursuing the hearts of the people i so passionately love. i know what it's like to be tempted to follow one's own desires. i will give you strength. i will give you purpose.
i know. but to be brutally honest, sometimes i just want to focus on myself. why can't people reach out to me? why do i always have to be the one to reach out? the one to love? the one to pursue?
i am stretching you, my darling. i am preparing you for the future. i am asking you to look past yourself to my desires and purposes. i know what i'm doing.
i know, i know. but can't you stretch me a little...well...slower?
is that really what you desire?
well no...
do you trust me?
of course!
really?
yes.
then know that i am about to do a great work in you.
okay. i'm ready. but i'm going to need some help.
i know. i am here for you. i love you. i will equip you to do the things i am challenging you to do. you are not in this alone.
i'm ready.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
trust.
"strive to trust me in more and more areas of your life. anything that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings i havd hidden in the difficulties. if you believe that i am sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust me in all situations. don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. start at the present moment - accepting things exactly as they are - and search for my way on the midst of those circumstances. trust is like a staff you can lean on as you journey uphill with me. if you are trusting in me consistently, the staff will bear as much of your weight as needed. lean on, trust in, and be confident in me with all your heart and mind."
psalm 52:8 & proverbs 3:5-6
my dear friend and mentor sent this to me this morning. it is written from the perspective of God to us {to be honest, this morning it felt like it was just written to me} in a book called "Jesus calling." i have heard a lot about this book and can't wait to read it, but i wanted to share this with the blogosphere.
psalm 52:8 & proverbs 3:5-6
my dear friend and mentor sent this to me this morning. it is written from the perspective of God to us {to be honest, this morning it felt like it was just written to me} in a book called "Jesus calling." i have heard a lot about this book and can't wait to read it, but i wanted to share this with the blogosphere.
life's an adventure.
and God is the tour guide.
i sort of picture life as a safari in the wilderness of africa in one of those safari land rovers.
i imagine myself looking all tan and explorer-like in my olive green shorts, khaki vest, and big hat {nobody wants to get sunburned, right?} with a camera in hand and excitement in my heart.
now, God is sitting in the driver's seat and is telling me to sit in the back and look to the side. it is not my job to look ahead or strain my eyes toward what is coming; it's just my job to look at where i am at during that moment and enjoy it to its fullest. the problem is, when i am on this safari of life, i'm not very good at just looking at where i am at and enjoying it and making the most of it. either i turn around in my seat and long for the times past {after all, the grass is always greener} or strain my eyes to see where God is taking me.
he turns to me and says "please buckle your seatbelt. this could be bumpy, but i know what i'm doing. keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times so you don't get hurt. most importantly, trust that i know what i'm doing.
i smile and say "okay perfect. we've got this." unfortunately, after just minutes, i am anxiously sitting on the edge of my seat. i look ahead and see a fork in the path. my Tour Guide turns right. i thought we should have turned left. so i unfasten my seatbelt and attempt to hop in the front seat, saying "uhm come on...we were supposed to turn left back there!" he turns to me with a knowing smile on his face and replies nonchalantly "remember how you said you'd trust that my way was best?"
oh. yeah. that's right.
mentally kicking myself, i climb back into my seat and strap my seatbelt back on, promising to myself that i won't do that again.
so i enjoy the ride for a while. i soak up the sun and smile at my Tour Guide, knowing that he knows best for me. after a bit of time {a shorter period of time than i would like to admit to}, i am intently looking out the side of the land rover when something catches my eye. i unbuckle my seatbelt and, despite protests from my Tour Guide, hop out of the land rover. "just wait a second," i yell over my shoulder. "i've got to check this out." the thing that caught my eye keeps moving away, just out of my reach, so i begin to chase it. once i eventually catch the ever-elusive object, i realize that what i thought was so important and necessary was in fact useless. i reluctantly set down my sought after object and watch it scamper away. upon freeing the object of my desire, i look around and realize my Tour Guide was right there behind me all along and it was his whisper encouraging me to let my desire go.
i run back into his arms, feeling sheepish, and he carries me back to the land rover. i apologize, promising to never let that happen again, and he accepts my apology {but with a knowing smile on his face}. you see, over the course of my adventure, i do this same thing many times. each time, the Tour Guide helps me up, brushes me off, and carries me back to the land rover.
------------------------
i've come to the end of my time...i need to go get ready for the day. but i know that God will continue showing me what my adventure looks like and that i need to keep trusting him to be my Tour Guide through it all. there are times when my safari is wonderful. there are times when my safari is just plain difficult. but through it all, my Tour Guide is constantly there to love me, support me, and challenge me.
i sort of picture life as a safari in the wilderness of africa in one of those safari land rovers.
i imagine myself looking all tan and explorer-like in my olive green shorts, khaki vest, and big hat {nobody wants to get sunburned, right?} with a camera in hand and excitement in my heart.
now, God is sitting in the driver's seat and is telling me to sit in the back and look to the side. it is not my job to look ahead or strain my eyes toward what is coming; it's just my job to look at where i am at during that moment and enjoy it to its fullest. the problem is, when i am on this safari of life, i'm not very good at just looking at where i am at and enjoying it and making the most of it. either i turn around in my seat and long for the times past {after all, the grass is always greener} or strain my eyes to see where God is taking me.
he turns to me and says "please buckle your seatbelt. this could be bumpy, but i know what i'm doing. keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times so you don't get hurt. most importantly, trust that i know what i'm doing.
i smile and say "okay perfect. we've got this." unfortunately, after just minutes, i am anxiously sitting on the edge of my seat. i look ahead and see a fork in the path. my Tour Guide turns right. i thought we should have turned left. so i unfasten my seatbelt and attempt to hop in the front seat, saying "uhm come on...we were supposed to turn left back there!" he turns to me with a knowing smile on his face and replies nonchalantly "remember how you said you'd trust that my way was best?"
oh. yeah. that's right.
mentally kicking myself, i climb back into my seat and strap my seatbelt back on, promising to myself that i won't do that again.
so i enjoy the ride for a while. i soak up the sun and smile at my Tour Guide, knowing that he knows best for me. after a bit of time {a shorter period of time than i would like to admit to}, i am intently looking out the side of the land rover when something catches my eye. i unbuckle my seatbelt and, despite protests from my Tour Guide, hop out of the land rover. "just wait a second," i yell over my shoulder. "i've got to check this out." the thing that caught my eye keeps moving away, just out of my reach, so i begin to chase it. once i eventually catch the ever-elusive object, i realize that what i thought was so important and necessary was in fact useless. i reluctantly set down my sought after object and watch it scamper away. upon freeing the object of my desire, i look around and realize my Tour Guide was right there behind me all along and it was his whisper encouraging me to let my desire go.
i run back into his arms, feeling sheepish, and he carries me back to the land rover. i apologize, promising to never let that happen again, and he accepts my apology {but with a knowing smile on his face}. you see, over the course of my adventure, i do this same thing many times. each time, the Tour Guide helps me up, brushes me off, and carries me back to the land rover.
------------------------
i've come to the end of my time...i need to go get ready for the day. but i know that God will continue showing me what my adventure looks like and that i need to keep trusting him to be my Tour Guide through it all. there are times when my safari is wonderful. there are times when my safari is just plain difficult. but through it all, my Tour Guide is constantly there to love me, support me, and challenge me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
and so it begins.
well...it is now officially march. thus begins "no makeup march." to be honest, i am not excited to do this. i have zero desire to go a month without makeup. nobody needs to see that. but last night i was at a concert and the band mercy me came on and sang their song "beautiful" and it totally touched my heart. God has some important things to teach me about the way he views me and how i look in his eyes. so i embark on this journey for God. nobody else. {i even have someone making bets as to how long i'll last.} this "journey" is for God. not me. not the people around me. i have such a strong desire to see God glorified through this and i know he will be glorified. it would be wonderful if God brought people into my life who are willing to do this with me {so i'm not the only one meandering around in all of my makeupless glory} but that's not what it's about. this is about me and God. what God wants to do in my life.
so here i go.
so here i go.
Monday, February 21, 2011
encouragement. (:
there's something powerful about the body of Christ joining together and encouraging and challenging each other. there's something powerful about expressing what God is doing in your life to other believers and seeing God use that to speak into their lives. there's something powerful about seeing lives transformed. about watching people change. about seeing people take hold of something they're passionate about and run with it. there's something powerful about dreams being chased and God being glorified.
this is what i was reminded of this afternoon. i got my nails done and went to coffee with a sweet friend and got to hear a bit about what God is doing in her life, as well as what God has laid on her heart and her dreams and desires. God is good. it's so encouraging to hear what God is doing in other people and to get to share what he is doing in my life. i believe lives are being transformed. and i can't wait to be a part of it. i can't wait to see how he draws me in to that and allows me to be a part of that.
i want to be a life changer. so much. i just need God to show me how to be. i need to make time to be. i need to pour into people as much as i hope to be poured into. i need to be sure i take time to speak and listen. probably listen more and speak less? i seem to be good at speaking. God's teaching me to listen and to find peace, and i think that's a lesson i have to learn before i can be effective as a life changer.
now don't get me wrong here...i don't want to be a life changer. but i would be honored if God used me and worked through me to transform lives. i want to be the person he desires me to be and calls me to be. i just need to keep seeking him to figure out what he has in store for me and what that plan looks like.
so perhaps this is a bit rambl-y? i'm sorry. i've been having trouble lately with putting my thoughts together into cohesive terms. so bear with me until i figure out how to speak clearly again. school is stealing my clarity. oh look...another rabbit trail. let me just stop before i continue. {does that even make sense?! i doubt it.} i'm in a weird mood. anyways. hahaha
this is what i was reminded of this afternoon. i got my nails done and went to coffee with a sweet friend and got to hear a bit about what God is doing in her life, as well as what God has laid on her heart and her dreams and desires. God is good. it's so encouraging to hear what God is doing in other people and to get to share what he is doing in my life. i believe lives are being transformed. and i can't wait to be a part of it. i can't wait to see how he draws me in to that and allows me to be a part of that.
i want to be a life changer. so much. i just need God to show me how to be. i need to make time to be. i need to pour into people as much as i hope to be poured into. i need to be sure i take time to speak and listen. probably listen more and speak less? i seem to be good at speaking. God's teaching me to listen and to find peace, and i think that's a lesson i have to learn before i can be effective as a life changer.
now don't get me wrong here...i don't want to be a life changer. but i would be honored if God used me and worked through me to transform lives. i want to be the person he desires me to be and calls me to be. i just need to keep seeking him to figure out what he has in store for me and what that plan looks like.
so perhaps this is a bit rambl-y? i'm sorry. i've been having trouble lately with putting my thoughts together into cohesive terms. so bear with me until i figure out how to speak clearly again. school is stealing my clarity. oh look...another rabbit trail. let me just stop before i continue. {does that even make sense?! i doubt it.} i'm in a weird mood. anyways. hahaha
Friday, February 18, 2011
just breathe.
the past few weeks have been crazy, and next week is going to be even more ridiculous. {monday: school 9a-7p. tuesday: babysit 8a-9p. wednesday: school 9a-9p. thursday: school 9a-12p. meeting 4p-5p. mentoring 5p-6p. bible study 6:30p-9p. friday: go out of town to stay with kara and elizabeth at college for the weekend.} today i babysat from 10:30a-9p. long day. busy day. but through it all, i find the good things.
tonight at the dinner table i was able to just sit and laugh until i cried with my baby girls. we all giggled the whole time and acted like we were 5 years old. {oh wait...aud is 5 and laur is only 4. hah whoops.} i also sat on the driveway and blew bubbles with laur for who knows how long and watched her chase them. these are the beautiful moments in life.
all too often, i forget to take time to just breathe. my method of "breathing" is sitting on my floor crying. i need to learn to revel in the wonderful times. to laugh unabashedly when i'm enjoying myself. to actually sleep without worrying about what needs to be done or the things i've forgotten.
i have to learn to have a heart at peace when life is anything but peaceful. that's what i'm learning this week.
tonight at the dinner table i was able to just sit and laugh until i cried with my baby girls. we all giggled the whole time and acted like we were 5 years old. {oh wait...aud is 5 and laur is only 4. hah whoops.} i also sat on the driveway and blew bubbles with laur for who knows how long and watched her chase them. these are the beautiful moments in life.
all too often, i forget to take time to just breathe. my method of "breathing" is sitting on my floor crying. i need to learn to revel in the wonderful times. to laugh unabashedly when i'm enjoying myself. to actually sleep without worrying about what needs to be done or the things i've forgotten.
i have to learn to have a heart at peace when life is anything but peaceful. that's what i'm learning this week.
Monday, February 7, 2011
love and trust.
love. one simple four letter word that is utterly impossible to define or describe. trust. easy enough to define, but incredibly difficult to build up. God has been teaching me a lot about love and trust lately. {which actually seem to go hand in hand.} i feel like he is tearing down all of my preconceived notions about these two things, whispering in my ear telling me that he wants to wreck my ideas of love and trust and reshape them in a way that brings honor and glory to himself.
first of all, he wanted to teach me about trust. you see...i have some trouble trusting people. i let people get to a certain level of depth {or closeness} with me, and then when they reach that, either i push them away, fearful that they will hurt me, or i build walls to block them out. only a select few ever make it past these barriers. for a long time, i've told myself that God is the one that i trust most. that i would trust him with anything and know that his plan is best for me. last weekend, however, God tested that. you see, i have had my life planned out since i was like eight years old. {go to college for elementary education. move to papua new guinea. teach first grade at ukarumpa international school.} last weekend, God asked me to give that up. to give up my dream for moving overseas and trust that his plan is best. i'm sure you can imagine how that went over...{not well, in case you were wondering.} i had my arguments with God and asked my questions and begged him to not say what i thought {knew} he was saying. well...God didn't relent. so i gave up my dream to him. now i have no idea what i am going to do after college, but i am learning to trust my Papa that he has the best purpose for me.
love...oh love. you see, this is another topic that i proudly declare "oh...i understand what this is all about. i know what love is. maybe i'm not very good at it, but i definitely know what it is and what it looks like." over the past couple of weeks, God has completely been changing my viewpoint about this as well. i am currently reading the book "redeeming love" by francine rivers and it is completely wrecking my view of love in such a good way. {this book is a novel based on the story of hosea from the Bible. read it.} in this book {and in the story of hosea}, hosea shows an unreal grasp of what love truly is. {read the story to fully understand what i'm talking about, of course...!} although his wife leaves him, he pursues her, even knowing the filth she has become accustomed to. hosea listens to God's leading, doing one of the most difficult things i can imagine. through this book and the story of hosea, God is showing me what love truly is. how unbelievably unconditional real love is. i am being blown away right now...that is for sure. i feel as if i've never known what real love is, and through this book and the story of hosea, God is showing me how vast and incomprehensible his love for me is, as well as how much he treasures me. in doing so, he is giving me a passion to love the people he puts in my life in the same way he loves me.
the lessons that i'm learning right now are not easy. they will not be fully implemented overnight or even over the course of years, but i am definitely learning and i am definitely taking steps in the right direction. i cannot wait to see where God leads me and what he has in store for me this week, month, year, and lifetime. all i know is i am blessed and God is good.
first of all, he wanted to teach me about trust. you see...i have some trouble trusting people. i let people get to a certain level of depth {or closeness} with me, and then when they reach that, either i push them away, fearful that they will hurt me, or i build walls to block them out. only a select few ever make it past these barriers. for a long time, i've told myself that God is the one that i trust most. that i would trust him with anything and know that his plan is best for me. last weekend, however, God tested that. you see, i have had my life planned out since i was like eight years old. {go to college for elementary education. move to papua new guinea. teach first grade at ukarumpa international school.} last weekend, God asked me to give that up. to give up my dream for moving overseas and trust that his plan is best. i'm sure you can imagine how that went over...{not well, in case you were wondering.} i had my arguments with God and asked my questions and begged him to not say what i thought {knew} he was saying. well...God didn't relent. so i gave up my dream to him. now i have no idea what i am going to do after college, but i am learning to trust my Papa that he has the best purpose for me.
love...oh love. you see, this is another topic that i proudly declare "oh...i understand what this is all about. i know what love is. maybe i'm not very good at it, but i definitely know what it is and what it looks like." over the past couple of weeks, God has completely been changing my viewpoint about this as well. i am currently reading the book "redeeming love" by francine rivers and it is completely wrecking my view of love in such a good way. {this book is a novel based on the story of hosea from the Bible. read it.} in this book {and in the story of hosea}, hosea shows an unreal grasp of what love truly is. {read the story to fully understand what i'm talking about, of course...!} although his wife leaves him, he pursues her, even knowing the filth she has become accustomed to. hosea listens to God's leading, doing one of the most difficult things i can imagine. through this book and the story of hosea, God is showing me what love truly is. how unbelievably unconditional real love is. i am being blown away right now...that is for sure. i feel as if i've never known what real love is, and through this book and the story of hosea, God is showing me how vast and incomprehensible his love for me is, as well as how much he treasures me. in doing so, he is giving me a passion to love the people he puts in my life in the same way he loves me.
the lessons that i'm learning right now are not easy. they will not be fully implemented overnight or even over the course of years, but i am definitely learning and i am definitely taking steps in the right direction. i cannot wait to see where God leads me and what he has in store for me this week, month, year, and lifetime. all i know is i am blessed and God is good.
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