home.

home.

what does that word even mean?
where is my home?
my home is no longer indiana.
my home is no longer texas.
i am beginning to feel that my home is no longer colorado.
my heart is shattered and spread around the country. around the world.
if home is where the heart is, then i feel i will never feel at home anymore.
my heart is too broken up.
too spread out.
too precariously balanced between indiana, texas, and colorado.
between america and thailand and mexico and guatemala.
between america and guatemala.
right now, guatemala holds a big part of my heart.
ever since i got "home" i've been feeling something missing.
i truly feel that i left my heart in guatemala.
as i go through my day, i am haunted by a question.
"what would i be doing right now if i was in guatemala?"
i've been out of the country before.
i liked mexico.
i enjoyed thailand.
but i fell in love with guatemala.
the culture is beautiful.
the people are beautiful.
the scenery is beautiful.
the hospitality is beautiful.
the joy is beautiful.
i don't want to get comfortable here.
i don't want to settle back into my routine.
i want to remain restless.
i'm afraid of becoming complacent.
of becoming apathetic.
of becoming worthless.
guatemala fueled my heart.
it gave me purpose.
it gave me hope.
guatemala was home while i was there.
as soon as i arrived, i felt complete.
whole.
at home.
i don't understand my love for guatemala.
i don't understand the purpose God has for guatemala in my life.
what i do know is this : i love it there.
i believe i will go back at some point.
i cannot wait for that day.
but.
i will learn to be content here.
i will continue looking for beauty in the small things.
i will live life to its fullest.
i will try to invest in the people around me.
because i know, that even though it may not seem like it right now,
God has a plan for me in monument.
in colorado.
in america.
here.
and i will not waste my life.