cue insecurity.

disclaimer: the following post is not put in place to invoke sympathy or fish for compliments. i just need to get some things off my chest.

well...where to begin. i guess i've never been an extremely confident person. okay scratch that. i've always been at different phases of insecurity. i have friends who are extremely confident in themselves and in their looks, but i'm afraid i have never been that way. {don't get me wrong : i can act with the best of them. i've had people be extremely surprised upon finding out how insecure i am, but i guess i just do a lot of faking.} i'm not proud of my insecurity. in fact, i would love to look you in the eye and tell you that i am confident in the young woman God has created me to be.

the truth is...i'm not. i'm not confident in who i am in the least bit.

i go through phases of seeing glimpses of myself through my Father's eyes, but this is far from the norm for me. i have gotten better this past year about seeing myself as beautiful, but i am still painfully insecure.

as i type tonight, my heart is heavy and i regret admitting these things to the lovely world of blogging. i wish desperately to continue pushing the truth down, but i'm not sure i can keep up the game any longer. tears fall as my fears and insecurity bubble over. there are times when i feel i'm going to drown in it all. i smile on the outside and cry on the inside. i know it's "normal" for teenage girls to be insecure, but i'm overwhelmed.

when your good friends have eating disorders yet are smaller than you, it's difficult to grasp God's view of yourself. {of course this is hypothetical? okay not really.} i look in the mirror and am disappointed by what i see. i try to figure out how to fix my flaws as i scrutinize myself. i am disgusted by myself and my empty promises of improving myself. i do nothing about my insecurity. nothing but let it fester inside of me, growing bitterness toward those who don't have to deal with the feelings i have or those who are too gorgeous to even have flaws.

i play the comparison game...sitting back and observing others, allowing myself to become jealous of their beauty. i compare every feature of myself to others, never allowing myself to "win" this twisted game i play. you see, blogging world, i find beauty in everyone but myself.

in february, i attended a concert, and mercy me was playing there. they played the song beautiful and it wrecked me. here are the lyrics :

days will come when you don't have the strength
when all you hear is you're not worth anything
wondering if you ever could be loved
and if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful

i'm praying that you have the heart to find
cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
for all the lies you've held inside so long
and they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful


before you ever took a breath
long before the world began
of all the wonders He possessed
there was one more precious
of all the earth and skies above
you're the one He madly loves
enough to die

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
in His eyes

you're beautiful
you were meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

this song wrecked me, y'all. this song makes me feel worth something. i honestly believe it was given to me by my Papa to teach me and remind me of something very important. i have value.

the night of this concert, God asked me to do a little something called no makeup march. yeah. not a fan. but it's been good. it's currently 26 days into march and i am realizing i have a lot more to learn. a whole dang lot. so i'm diving into my Papa. begging him to show me how he sees me. pleading with him to change my eyes into his. because i'm tired of hating the person i see in the mirror, and most of all, i'm tired of my heart hurting because i know i'm breaking my Father's heart.

i'm ready to give up my stubborn opinions of myself and listen to his gentle voice.