i left my heart in guatemala.

i'm currently running on 4 hrs of sleep {for the third night in a row} but i wanted to throw up a blog post of my trip to guatemala. i think i'll just put together a bunch of excerpts from the journal i kept while i was there. (:

7-17:
such a long day, but so incredible. we got up at 3am and left the church at 4 for the airport, where we flew from denver to houston and houston to guatemala city. once in guatemala city, we took a chicken bus to antigua. the flights were physically rough on me, a combination of lack of sleep, new medication, and the turbulence we experienced. the bus ride was wonderful. it was such good team bonding time, and it was a fantastic way to see the city and see a little of guatemala. this country is absolutely gorgeous. everything is lush and green and tropical. even the buildings are breathtaking. we are staying in the cutest hotel ever in antigua. i can't wait to start ministry work!

7-18:
woke up, had breakfast, and got on the chicken bus to head to paquip. halfway there, we stopped at iximche, which is some mayan ruins. lunch at the ruins, and then back on the bus to paquip. more great bonding time. (: i'm loving paquip. the kids have such sweet spirits. this is such a humbling experience...i feel so american and touristy and i feel like i know no spanish, but that's not my desire. my desire is to belong in places like this. for places like this to be home. my heart goes out to places like this - paquip is an example of a place my heart beats for. so i'm trying to figure out what my calling is - what my purpose is . i want to know now, but i have a feeling God is asking me to trust Him with my future at this point instead of revealing things to me about it. this trip is going to be a good chance to get some perspective on life and become myself again. i've fallen in love with this place already. it's going to be so hard to leave. while i'm here, i want my heart to be healed from what is breaking my heart and broken for what breaks my Papa's heart. we have such an amazing team, and i am so excited and blessed to be spending my time with them. the girls have been so welcoming and inclusive and open, and the guys have been so chivalrous. i'm loving this already!

7-19:
what an interesting day. this morning, i found out that grandpa anthony passed away last night. i've been pretty emotionally unbalanced. thankfully, it was a construction day and i got to do some manual labor to help me process things. we started building a church in panabar today. my group moved cinderblocks, sand, and 2 piles {mountains} of rocks, as well as pouring concrete and cutting rebar. i love my group. {me, erin, sarah, chessa, june, tyler, max, dakota, ben, luke, and elena.} they have been such a blessing today as i'm trying to grieve and process things. lately, i've been reminded of how guys should treat girls, both at work and here in guatemala. what a good reminder for me to stick to my standards and be reminded that there are some amazing guys out there! i'm learning so much here already. after construction, we came back to paquip to observe and help with a vbs. while i was there, i was off by myself struggling emotionally about grandpa's death, and this little girl named mireli {she was probably 4 or 5} came up to me, took my hand, and sat down by me. she cuddled with me, played with my ring, and wore my sunglasses. she reminded me of the power of reaching out to others. after she left, a group of us girls went and learned how to make tortillas. authentic, guatemalan tortillas. (: tortilla making was another powerful experience for me. i sat and talked and laughed with these guatemalan women and girls and thought "this is what community is." the women were so very eager to share their culture with us and teach us the tricks of the trade, even though we were a bunch of gringos. they blew me away with their hospitality and willingness to help us learn, even though we were probably slowing them down. these two experiences made my day and caused me to think. what kind of impact could i have if i reached out like these women and girls did? what about at work? could i have an impact if i gave up my own desires and reached out unabashedly with no regard to my own desires and ideas? tony asked the question tonight "what if we lived every day like we were on a mission trip? what would that look like?" this question was so convicting for me, because i wait for convenience to reach out and live a joyful lifestyle. i wait until it's easy or until i have time or until i'm in the mood. because of this, i'm realizing that i'm not living out my calling right now. this week, i'm trying to figure out how to take home the lessons i'm learning and integrate them into my life. i want to go home changed. a major part of this change will be learning to grieve in a healthy way. i don't grieve well, and i feel that that holds me back from living a life of extravagant love. i don't want to sink back into life as i've always known it when i get home. okay...lights out now...ready for some good sleep. tomorrow we do vbs!

7-20:
today was so long, but so good. i was in a vbs group and we did our vbs twice today. the first vbs was at a school on the other side of town. the kids were so very sweet, as all guatemalan children seem to be. we played keep the balloon in the air and they absolutely loved it. watching them express their joy over such a simple activity has touched my heart in a deep place. {where is my joy in the small things? i desire to find that joy in the small things.} after vbs was over, we went to the store and got ice cream and walked back to the part of paquip where we are staying. we had lunch, hung out, and prepped for our afternoon vbs, which was at the other school in paquip. all things considered, it went really well. then i walked back down to the store afterward with some of my favorite people. (: the most precious kids came and swarmed us when we were there. they were asking me all sorts of questions, completely surrounding me. i waded through my little knowledge of spanish to attempt to converse with them, and they were so gracious about my mis-pronunciation and incorrect conjugations. we bought the kids some food and then headed back up to the other part of paquip. when we got back, i played soccer with the boys. or at least tried...these kids are great at soccer, and my long skirt wasn't helping me play! afterwards, the kids all surrounded me and were giggling and making fun of me, repeating everything i'd say in a higher pitched voice with feminine hand motions. we were all laughing so hard we were crying. i also played tag with miley and mireli, and hide and seek with a bunch of kids, which was great. we laughed so hard the whole time. (: the kids all kept coming up to me and calling me "bonita monita" which apparently means "beautiful little monkey." the rest of the time i was there, they referred to me as monita, which i found absolutely hilarious. (: when i was spending my time with these kids, i felt the purest joy i can remember. God is using these kids to heal my heart, and it has needed healing for so very long. after dinner, we hung out with the kids again and they taught me some quiche {sp?} which is their first language. {quiche is a mayan dialect, and spanish is most of these villagers second language.} they would giggle at my pronunciation and correct me until i had it perfectly. (: then came debriefing...the team debriefs every night. tonight, tony played the song "you hold me now" and i just wept. admittedly, it was so good to allow myself to grieve a bit. i love this place. honestly, i expected to like it and to enjoy it, but not to fall in love with it. i feel like i've fallen in love with guatemala. a huge part of my heart is going to get left here with the culture, the team i worked with, and the kiddos like miley, mireli, cristofer, and juan antonio. these kids possess a joy that i desire with the bottom of my heart. i want to be different. changed. transformed. wrecked. i need my Papa to make that happen, however, and to allow my heart to remain soft even when i get home. my goal is to make the most of the time at home. to learn to love monument. to cut down the distractions. to minimize the things that draw me away from my Papa.

7-21:
today was so crazy! this morning we got up at 5am to go on a breathtaking hike, and when we got back we hung out at the church and then some people did construction and vbs, and my team went on a long prayer walk. we went back down to the store. erin and i were prayer walk partners and i'm just so blessed to have her on this trip! she's been such a blessing to me! after the prayer walk, we went back up to the house and had lunch and packed up to go. leaving was so difficult. when i went up to say my goodbyes, the kids were shouting "monita! monita!" and it almost put me in tears. i sat with luis and cristian and we giggled and spent time together while luis made a bead necklace. we all said teary goodbyes and took pictures. pictures that i will value forever. paster valerio prayed us off, and we headed off. it was so emotional for me to leave. i need to come back to this place...it has stolen my heart! right before we left paquip, the group of girls that stayed in the house with me gave clothes, snacks, coloring books, and other things to the people who opened their home to us. the woman of the house kept calling us all hermanas...sisters. i was so unbelievably humbled to be called this woman's sister. so blessed to be included in this family. after leaving, we drove to lake atitlan and took a boat across to santiago. guatemala is absolutely breathtaking. i cannot get over it. in santiago, everyone swam until dinner, and after dinner we did another debrief. the story that keeps coming back to me this week is the story of mireli comforting me. she changed me this week...taught me how to have a soft heart again. i'll miss her. after debriefing, i laid in a hammock and talked to some people, just sharing stories and lives and hearts. what a blessing. the team dynamics have been so much better than i expected, and i've loved it. overall, it was a bittersweet day, but a good one. for some reason, i fully expect to go back to paquip someday, which almost made leaving easier. this week has gone far too fast, which is so sad. i want weeks...months. i understand that i can't go home changed by myself, so i'm asking Papa to change me...transform me.

7-22:
this morning, we got up, got ready, and walked through santiago. the bus couldn't make it through the city very easily, so we walked and met the bus somewhere. we got to be part of the parade! (: it was actually very interesting to observe the parade and get to see some more of guatemala. i love it. we took a bus to antigua and did a bit of shopping before debrief and bed. it was the most uneventful day of the trip, but it was so good. so good to continue bonding with the team. they've become my family this week, helping me through the death of grandpa a. i'm so unbelievably blessed by them. <3

7-23:
last day...how heartbreaking. woke up, had breakfast, and went to the market for a little longer. afterwards, we got on the chicken bus and headed to guatemala city, where we got on the plane. the chicken bus ride was great as usual. wonderful time with my team. (: i have grown to love everyone on it so much. we have such great dynamics and unity, which is a huge blessing. they could have been the make it or break it factor. we barely made it on our second flight...we had 40 mins to get 40 people through customs, security, and boarding. the airline held the flight for us, though, which was so wonderful. just another reminder that God has his hand on me. (: last night at debrief, i realized that i've had a really rough couple of months {well i already knew that part} and God has used guatemala to heal my heart. a major part of that healing has been the team. they have come alongside my family so much and become my family this week. i'm going to miss them. it's crazy - i don't feel like i've ever grown to love a whole group of people as much as i love this team, especially in such a short time period. what an answer to prayer. i feel like God has a lot of teaching to do, especially when i get home. i need to learn to truly be content, no matter the situation. i have so many lessons and so much maturing that needs to be done in this next year. it's definitely going to be a year of growing, learning, maturing, etc. i need to stay focused on the right things, making sure to intentionally allow God to mold me into the person he desires me to be instead of wasting my time away and pining away for the future. God has plans for me. i know and believe that. however, i have to stop pushing against him and being so stubborn and hard headed. i need to learn to live intentionally with love, instead of wasting my days and weeks. God has taught me so much on this trip and opened my eyes to so much. i cannot wait to continue listening and learning.

a couple major take aways:
- how can we live every day like it's a mission trip?
- live with no regrets. life is short.
- let love fill every action.
- every moment is God-ordained, but not every moment needs to be filled with things.
- joy is found in simple beauties.
- peace can truly overwhelm.
- everyone is hurting. treat them like it.
- we see things every day through our "usa lenses" and on this trip, we've begun to see things through a mix of "usa lenses" and "guatemalan lenses." i don't want to lose my guatemalan vision at home.