growing up, worrying, and such.

in 2 days, i am done with finals - done with the school portion of senior year.

in 13 days, i graduate high school.

in 202 days, i turn 18.

in about 460 days, i leave for college.

i am terrified for these 4 events. i literally can not think about them without being overwhelmed with a heart-wrenching bittersweet feeling. i am not quite sure why i am so paralyzingly afraid of these things. now, don't get me wrong...i am so excited for these days and can not wait for the next chapters in my life, but i definitely feel more than elation. i will be the first to admit that i am terrified for the future. i have no idea what life holds after college.

i worry. a lot.
i worry about finances. {i'm trying to graduate college debt free...}
i worry about the girls i nanny for.
i worry about my grades.
i worry about what the future holds after college. {aka i have no idea.}
i worry about the summer.
i worry about not getting the job i am interviewing for tomorrow.
i worry about next school year.

i also have chronic neck pain and headaches. perhaps this worrying attributes to my chronic pain. i am going to a doctor of osteopathy on thursday to try to diagnose my pain, as it's become impossible to live with. i hope and pray that i will reach some sort of conclusion or diagnosis, as i have so much hope that this appointment will make life better somehow.

on wednesday night, i had a bit of an encounter with God. {okay that's an understatement. God kind of wrecked me on wednesday night.} he told me the following:
- i don't have hope for the future right now.
- i don't trust him as much as i say i do.

uh yeah i didn't take it so well at first. i'm afraid that these 2 tie together - i don't have hope for the future because i don't trust my God to take care of it.

can i get really honest for a second?

because of some past circumstances, i really struggle trusting. especially trusting God. but i'm afraid i'm going to have to work on that before i can move very far forward.

so here i go. diving into God head first {admittedly, with my eyes shut. i'm scared...} and heart first, hopeful that he will restore me.