i'm sitting here trying to find the words to type...knowing they won't be eloquent or profound. my heart stops when i look at this picture. when i think of this sweet girl. you see...mireli changed my life singlehandedly. she had more of an impact on my life than most, and i only got to spend 3 days with her. my heart longs to reach out to her...to feel her sticky fingers on my face or her tiny arms wrapped around my waist in a hug. tears well up as i think of her...wondering if she's okay, how school is going, what she's learning...wondering if she remembers me. my heart aches to tell her how much she means to me. 3 months later, her picture is still the background on my computer. i still tell people of her joy. of her desire to love and be loved.
i will not forget.
i can not allow myself to forget.
i grasp for guatemala, missing it with my whole being. afraid that memories will fade and pictures will be lost. afraid that one day my heart will stop beating for this place. i don't know why guatemala resonates with me so much. i don't understand the physical ache i feel as i tell others of my experiences. people just don't understand. and that's the most difficult thing. guatemala changed my life, and i would give anything to go back. i will go back. i can't imagine not going back. but for now i hold tightly to the memories. i can not lose them. my heart beats for these children.
mireli...i will not forget you.
"i grasp for guatemala, missing it with my whole being. afraid that memories will fade and pictures will be lost. afraid that one day my heart will stop beating for this place. i don't know why guatemala resonates with me so much. i don't understand the physical ache i feel as i tell others of my experiences. people just don't understand. and that's the most difficult thing. guatemala changed my life, and i would give anything to go back. i will go back. i can't imagine not going back. but for now i hold tightly to the memories. i can not lose them"
ReplyDeleteOh how I resonate with that! (just put Uganda in the place of Guatemala) I missed it so much on Sunday, I could barely breathe. And I stand so afraid that somehow, I will forget. That somehow, I will become comfortable in America again. That somehow, I will lose my love for Uganda. I understand the longing, the desperation, the need to get back because you feel as if you'll die if you don't. You experienced something that felt so right, like you were meant for that place, and now your life here (as much as you love your family and friends) feels so wrong.
People tell me to serve here, that America is just as important as any other country, tthat there are orphans here, people who need prayer here, people who need the love of Jesus here. And I feel almost judged and looked down upon by some because of my love for Uganda. I can't explain to people why I have this passion for a place so far away, why I truly cannot figure out how to serve God here (because I've tried so hard to be fulfilled with serving at church events and loving babysitting kiddos!) But my heart, it's not here. Maybe one day it will be, maybe one day I will find a way to serve God in America. I want people here to have Jesus, I truly do. And I firmly believe America is just as important and in need of God's love as any other country. But my love lies with Uganda.
My love for Uganda, your love for Guatemala.. that's a God-given love. I believe He has placed a love in our hearts for these places for a reason, He's not going to let us lose that love, not if we're continually seeking Him.
God will take care of you, He'll keep your heart alive for that place, and He'll bring you back one day, sweet girl. I can't wait for the day I hear you're going back to Guatemala! I know it will come, and I will be so excited for you :)
oh anna...thank you. waking up to this seriously made my day. i love your heart! and thank you for your encouraging words...i needed them. you're wonderful.
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