mold me.

"she is clothed in strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come."

- proverbs 31:25

oh God...mold me into this, i pray.

lessons.

i'm afraid i'm not very good at updating this blog. i go through phases of consistency and phases where i cannot formulate my thoughts into words because my heart cringes at the idea of vulnerability. lately, i've been trying to figure out what God's plan is for me at this point in my life. my heart longs to be overseas, loving on children, eating new foods, experiencing different cultures, and living a God-ordained adventure. however, i'm still in monument. i'm still a student at the local community college. i still work as a hostess at a local restaurant. and to be honest...i have no idea why. i don't understand why God has me here. for the past 9 months since i got back from guatemala, i've been trying to figure it out, and still have no answers.

however, i am learning to be grateful for what i am given, even if it is not what i would choose. over the course of the last year, i have become closer to my youngest siblings than ever before. i have been blessed with an amazing best friend. i have realized how extraordinary my parents are and how fortunate i am to have parents who love each other and love me. i have been able to get involved with the junior high girls at my church, and have loved it. these girls are fantastic, and challenge and encourage me every time i see them. i have coworkers who have my back in every situation. i have friends who support me through everything.

so for right now, i am learning to be grateful. i am trying to do my best to love the people God has put in my life at this time. i have no doubt that one day i will be loving a set of children in another country that will call me mama, but right now, i am learning to be content. i am growing and soaking up lessons that i will take with me for the rest of my life. while i cannot honestly say that i wouldn't trade this time, i am finally accepting the lessons i have to learn, and realizing that God knows where i am at in this moment and that He has a plan more perfect than any i could ever conjure up.

58.

¹ “Shout it aloud, do not hold back.

Raise your voice like a trumpet.

Declare to my people their rebellion

and to the descendants of Jacob their sins.

² For day after day they seek me out;

they seem eager to know my ways,

as if they were a nation that does what is right

and has not forsaken the commands of its God.

They ask me for just decisions

and seem eager for God to come near them.

³ ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,

‘and you have not seen it?

Why have we humbled ourselves,

and you have not noticed?’

“Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please

and exploit all your workers.

⁴ Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,

and in striking each other with wicked fists.

You cannot fast as you do today

and expect your voice to be heard on high.

⁵ Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,

only a day for people to humble themselves?

Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed

and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?

Is that what you call a fast,

a day acceptable to the LORD?

⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—

when you see the naked, to clothe them,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness^[a] will go before you,

and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

¹³ “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath

and from doing as you please on my holy day,

if you call the Sabbath a delight

and the LORD’s holy day honorable,

and if you honor it by not going your own way

and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the LORD,

and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land

and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

- isaiah 58

right now, my church is doing a series on isaiah 58 and what fasting truly is. this passage is one of my favorites, and it's so cool to see how people are taking hold of it and really trying to live it out. i lead the junior high girls, and one of them was telling me how she did a fundraiser and was able to build a well in africa with the money she raised. another couple that is friends with my parents is talking about actually building a house for one of the families in the village we partner with in ethiopia. i pray that everyone will stick with it and that it will not just be a month-long attempt to understand and eradicate poverty.
for me personally, this passage ignites my heart and awakes my soul. this is what i dream of. this is what i want my life to be about. however, i keep telling myself that i am just a student, and that when i finish school, i will do something meaningful and something to help the poor. God has really been convicting me of this mindset and i have been feeling challenged to do something now. i'm not sure exactly what i am supposed to do yet, but i am learning to be more generous with my money with the people who are in my life right now, doing random acts of kindness. right now, i think i need to learn to be more generous with my money and in tune with the Holy Spirit to know who i need to be generous with.

EDIT: formatting hates me, and i'm not sure why.

outsider.

loneliness.
pain.
broken hearts.
bitterness.
hurt.
crying to fall asleep.
"smiling" to stay awake.
pretending.
it's all a game.
it's all an act.
who really knows, though.
who really cares to know.
who presses in, asking the difficult questions.
who is willing to give up their precious time.
to ask the questions.
to care.
to really KNOW someone.
to know me.
i'm fighting.
fighting to hold to precious words.
precious words that say "i will never leave you or forsake you."
but this fight is an uphill battle.
with lots of tears.
lots of fears.
and few who know it exists.
few know of my fight.
few who care of my fight.
everyone wants to assume i'm fine.
it's easier for them.
i'm the convenient friend.
but i hurt, too.
i'm not perfect, either.
i don't have all the answers.
i don't even have the answers for myself.
but does anyone ask?
never.
i'm learning that living a lonely life is difficult.
it's a daily battle.
a daily fight to convince myself that...i'm worth it.
i'm worth the fight.
i can barely even type those words without cringing.
i don't believe them.
i just want to sleep.
for a long time.
and wake up someday when i can actually make a difference.
i'm tired.
and not just physically.
i'm emotionally exhausted.
i'm physically exhausted.
i'm mentally exhausted.
i'm spiritually exhausted.
but do you know who knows that?
nobody.
i'm a vagabond.
a wanderer.
one who doesn't belong.
one who doesn't have a home.
because my home is far away.
it is with the broken.
the barefoot children.
the deaf students.
the homeless.
the hurting.
those who invest when they have nothing more to give.
they are my home.
i love my family, but sometimes i fear they don't understand me.
my heart physically aches for places i haven't been.
for people i haven't met.
for things i haven't seen.
i am an outsider.
i do not belong here.

deafness.

i am currently taking a sign language class at my school...it's 5 hours a week and it's 5 credits. i have never loved a class so much in my life. i am learning loads of vocabulary, but i am also learning a LOT about deaf culture, and it fascinates me.

people don't really know anything about deaf culture. most of it is not intuitive or common information. it requires energy to study and read about and become informed about. yet...people don't take the time to do this. deaf people are treated poorly in our culture. most people avoid them and never take the time to get to know them.

there are a few deaf families at my church and i have been so very blessed to get to know a little bit about them. r and h have 2 sons who are deaf, and they are an absolute delight. we have an interpreter at my church who interprets the service, and find students of asl to interpret for the children so they don't have to sit through the long service.

i also work at a restaurant where we have deaf people come in relatively often, and my coworkers use me to interpret for them {i've only been studying asl for 6 weeks, though...haha} or i teach my coworkers basic signs to communicate. yet every time we have a deaf family come in, my coworkers freeze up. they treat the family coldly and act as if they are somehow less intelligent. it kills me to see this. "how dare they?" i ask to myself...yet i realize that i may have been the same way a few years ago.

honestly, i don't know what i'm getting at. my heart has begun to resonate with the deaf, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do with that. i don't know if i'm supposed to move forward with asl and become an interpreter or what...i'm trying to figure it out now.

my heart has begun to beat for deaf culture.
for deaf children.
for deaf families.

it's getting to the point where i'm looking into adopting a deaf child someday. i don't know if that's even possible for me. i have to do something, though. somehow, i have to make a difference.

i haven't forgotten.

i'm sitting here trying to find the words to type...knowing they won't be eloquent or profound. my heart stops when i look at this picture. when i think of this sweet girl. you see...mireli changed my life singlehandedly. she had more of an impact on my life than most, and i only got to spend 3 days with her. my heart longs to reach out to her...to feel her sticky fingers on my face or her tiny arms wrapped around my waist in a hug. tears well up as i think of her...wondering if she's okay, how school is going, what she's learning...wondering if she remembers me. my heart aches to tell her how much she means to me. 3 months later, her picture is still the background on my computer. i still tell people of her joy. of her desire to love and be loved.

i will not forget.

i can not allow myself to forget.

i grasp for guatemala, missing it with my whole being. afraid that memories will fade and pictures will be lost. afraid that one day my heart will stop beating for this place. i don't know why guatemala resonates with me so much. i don't understand the physical ache i feel as i tell others of my experiences. people just don't understand. and that's the most difficult thing. guatemala changed my life, and i would give anything to go back. i will go back. i can't imagine not going back. but for now i hold tightly to the memories. i can not lose them. my heart beats for these children.

mireli...i will not forget you.

the future.

the future terrifies me.
paralyzes me.
so many questions.
so little time.
so many decisions.
i hate decisions.
i can barely decide what to eat for lunch.
how am i supposed to pick a career?
how am i supposed to know what to pursue?
so many options.
asl.
elementary education.
dropping out.
overseas.
inner city.
i know where i'm going for college.
but i don't know what to study.
i have no idea what i'm doing after.
no.
idea.
and that scares me.
i like having a plan.
i enjoy feeling secure.
change stresses me out.
buuuut.
i serve a wonderful Papa.
he knows what he's doing.
and he's got me in his hands.
i have GOT to remember that.
cling to that.
draw hope from that.
and remember...
he is sovereign.
whether he decides to reveal the future to me or not.