outsider.

loneliness.
pain.
broken hearts.
bitterness.
hurt.
crying to fall asleep.
"smiling" to stay awake.
pretending.
it's all a game.
it's all an act.
who really knows, though.
who really cares to know.
who presses in, asking the difficult questions.
who is willing to give up their precious time.
to ask the questions.
to care.
to really KNOW someone.
to know me.
i'm fighting.
fighting to hold to precious words.
precious words that say "i will never leave you or forsake you."
but this fight is an uphill battle.
with lots of tears.
lots of fears.
and few who know it exists.
few know of my fight.
few who care of my fight.
everyone wants to assume i'm fine.
it's easier for them.
i'm the convenient friend.
but i hurt, too.
i'm not perfect, either.
i don't have all the answers.
i don't even have the answers for myself.
but does anyone ask?
never.
i'm learning that living a lonely life is difficult.
it's a daily battle.
a daily fight to convince myself that...i'm worth it.
i'm worth the fight.
i can barely even type those words without cringing.
i don't believe them.
i just want to sleep.
for a long time.
and wake up someday when i can actually make a difference.
i'm tired.
and not just physically.
i'm emotionally exhausted.
i'm physically exhausted.
i'm mentally exhausted.
i'm spiritually exhausted.
but do you know who knows that?
nobody.
i'm a vagabond.
a wanderer.
one who doesn't belong.
one who doesn't have a home.
because my home is far away.
it is with the broken.
the barefoot children.
the deaf students.
the homeless.
the hurting.
those who invest when they have nothing more to give.
they are my home.
i love my family, but sometimes i fear they don't understand me.
my heart physically aches for places i haven't been.
for people i haven't met.
for things i haven't seen.
i am an outsider.
i do not belong here.

deafness.

i am currently taking a sign language class at my school...it's 5 hours a week and it's 5 credits. i have never loved a class so much in my life. i am learning loads of vocabulary, but i am also learning a LOT about deaf culture, and it fascinates me.

people don't really know anything about deaf culture. most of it is not intuitive or common information. it requires energy to study and read about and become informed about. yet...people don't take the time to do this. deaf people are treated poorly in our culture. most people avoid them and never take the time to get to know them.

there are a few deaf families at my church and i have been so very blessed to get to know a little bit about them. r and h have 2 sons who are deaf, and they are an absolute delight. we have an interpreter at my church who interprets the service, and find students of asl to interpret for the children so they don't have to sit through the long service.

i also work at a restaurant where we have deaf people come in relatively often, and my coworkers use me to interpret for them {i've only been studying asl for 6 weeks, though...haha} or i teach my coworkers basic signs to communicate. yet every time we have a deaf family come in, my coworkers freeze up. they treat the family coldly and act as if they are somehow less intelligent. it kills me to see this. "how dare they?" i ask to myself...yet i realize that i may have been the same way a few years ago.

honestly, i don't know what i'm getting at. my heart has begun to resonate with the deaf, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do with that. i don't know if i'm supposed to move forward with asl and become an interpreter or what...i'm trying to figure it out now.

my heart has begun to beat for deaf culture.
for deaf children.
for deaf families.

it's getting to the point where i'm looking into adopting a deaf child someday. i don't know if that's even possible for me. i have to do something, though. somehow, i have to make a difference.

i haven't forgotten.

i'm sitting here trying to find the words to type...knowing they won't be eloquent or profound. my heart stops when i look at this picture. when i think of this sweet girl. you see...mireli changed my life singlehandedly. she had more of an impact on my life than most, and i only got to spend 3 days with her. my heart longs to reach out to her...to feel her sticky fingers on my face or her tiny arms wrapped around my waist in a hug. tears well up as i think of her...wondering if she's okay, how school is going, what she's learning...wondering if she remembers me. my heart aches to tell her how much she means to me. 3 months later, her picture is still the background on my computer. i still tell people of her joy. of her desire to love and be loved.

i will not forget.

i can not allow myself to forget.

i grasp for guatemala, missing it with my whole being. afraid that memories will fade and pictures will be lost. afraid that one day my heart will stop beating for this place. i don't know why guatemala resonates with me so much. i don't understand the physical ache i feel as i tell others of my experiences. people just don't understand. and that's the most difficult thing. guatemala changed my life, and i would give anything to go back. i will go back. i can't imagine not going back. but for now i hold tightly to the memories. i can not lose them. my heart beats for these children.

mireli...i will not forget you.

the future.

the future terrifies me.
paralyzes me.
so many questions.
so little time.
so many decisions.
i hate decisions.
i can barely decide what to eat for lunch.
how am i supposed to pick a career?
how am i supposed to know what to pursue?
so many options.
asl.
elementary education.
dropping out.
overseas.
inner city.
i know where i'm going for college.
but i don't know what to study.
i have no idea what i'm doing after.
no.
idea.
and that scares me.
i like having a plan.
i enjoy feeling secure.
change stresses me out.
buuuut.
i serve a wonderful Papa.
he knows what he's doing.
and he's got me in his hands.
i have GOT to remember that.
cling to that.
draw hope from that.
and remember...
he is sovereign.
whether he decides to reveal the future to me or not.