blessed.

i am extraordinarily blessed. extraordinarily blessed. all too often, i forget that. i focus on the difficult things in life, allowing them to blur my vision and cloud my thoughts. i forget that i have fantastic parents and friends, and that {for the most part} my life is going pretty smoothly.

i have "speed bumps" in my thought process. sometimes, these "speed bumps" last for days or weeks or even months. during these bumps, i lose sight of what really matters and focus on the menial things that are going incorrectly. {or at least, what i perceive to be incorrectly. i am forever becoming more aware of God's plan and my plan not being identical.} during these bumps, i can't see beyond the difficult. the seemingly impossible. the things in life that are just no fun. sometimes even the inevitable.

this week, i have been reminded that i have a God bigger than circumstances. i am learning that i need to focus on the lesson learned in the circumstances rather than the difficulties themselves. unfortunately, i wait until extremely low points before shifting my focus off of "why me?!" and onto "what does God have for me to learn through this?"

through this refocusing, i have learned that my future plans and God's future plans don't match up completely. i'm also learning that it's okay to let go of my future plans. God first asked me to give up my future plans back in january, and it was a painful thing to do. fear washed over me as questions of "now what?" flooded my mind. since then, i have become better at letting things go. i am able to trust that my Papa has a bigger plan. and trust that it's okay to be uncertain. i know my last post said that God showed me that i don't trust as well as i think i do, and that is most definitely true. but when it comes to my future, i am holding my hands open to him and allowing him control. it's a scary experience, but it's a good learning process.

i am blessed. i am blessed that God is teaching me these lessons. i am blessed to learn them at the age of 17 instead of 20 or 30 or 40 years down the road. i trust that the lessons i am learning now will have to be re-learned at different points in my life, but i also trust that God will be patient in the re-teaching process.

at this point, i am realizing just how fortunate i am, and i hope to hold on to that knowledge for a while. i have my days where i can't see the blessings {i'm like a toddler sometimes...kicking and screaming against reality} but am praying for more days full of the knowledge that i am blessed.

growing up, worrying, and such.

in 2 days, i am done with finals - done with the school portion of senior year.

in 13 days, i graduate high school.

in 202 days, i turn 18.

in about 460 days, i leave for college.

i am terrified for these 4 events. i literally can not think about them without being overwhelmed with a heart-wrenching bittersweet feeling. i am not quite sure why i am so paralyzingly afraid of these things. now, don't get me wrong...i am so excited for these days and can not wait for the next chapters in my life, but i definitely feel more than elation. i will be the first to admit that i am terrified for the future. i have no idea what life holds after college.

i worry. a lot.
i worry about finances. {i'm trying to graduate college debt free...}
i worry about the girls i nanny for.
i worry about my grades.
i worry about what the future holds after college. {aka i have no idea.}
i worry about the summer.
i worry about not getting the job i am interviewing for tomorrow.
i worry about next school year.

i also have chronic neck pain and headaches. perhaps this worrying attributes to my chronic pain. i am going to a doctor of osteopathy on thursday to try to diagnose my pain, as it's become impossible to live with. i hope and pray that i will reach some sort of conclusion or diagnosis, as i have so much hope that this appointment will make life better somehow.

on wednesday night, i had a bit of an encounter with God. {okay that's an understatement. God kind of wrecked me on wednesday night.} he told me the following:
- i don't have hope for the future right now.
- i don't trust him as much as i say i do.

uh yeah i didn't take it so well at first. i'm afraid that these 2 tie together - i don't have hope for the future because i don't trust my God to take care of it.

can i get really honest for a second?

because of some past circumstances, i really struggle trusting. especially trusting God. but i'm afraid i'm going to have to work on that before i can move very far forward.

so here i go. diving into God head first {admittedly, with my eyes shut. i'm scared...} and heart first, hopeful that he will restore me.