uncertainty.

what do you do when you don't know what to do?

i know the easy answer. i know "just trust God." i know "everything happens for a reason" and "everything will work out." i know "God won't give you more than you can handle." but honestly? do you know how hard that all is? the pat cliche answers do nothing. they make everything simple and make everything fit into a little box. but honestly? nothing is that easy. what do you do? what do you do when you just want to give up on it all? what do you do when you feel like you should be happy and should be joyful but you just aren't? what do you do when all you want to do is curl up in bed and never get out? when you watch movies just to cry and allow the tears to be released? sometimes i'm afraid i'm too good at pretending like everything's fine. like i'm too good at putting on a smile. i forget that people care about me and how i'm really doing. i forget that people might actually want to know how i am. how i really am. sometimes i get tired of pretending. occasionally, i'll let someone in. allow someone to see what makes my heart beat. what i love. what i can't stand. how i am really doing.

unfortunately, i only let people get so close. i don't tell any one person everything. no one person knows everything about me. i'm afraid that if i trust someone too much, they will hurt me. so i let someone get close, and when i feel they're getting too close, {most of the time} i push myself away. i distance myself. i shut my heart down.

i don't know why i do this. i just know that it's as common to me as friendship. i think to myself "i'm stronger than this. why am i allowing this to affect me? if i just bottle it up, it will go away." in reality, these are all myths that i feed myself to try to explain my actions away. i don't know that i even want to trust people. i struggle with this in my relationship with God as well. one of my favorite quotes is by barlowgirl, when they say "why do we think if we trust God too much, he will fail us?" that epitomizes my life.

i want people to see me as trustworthy. i realize, though, that nobody is going to trust me if i don't trust them. so it's time for me to learn. to grow. to trust. to share my uncertainties with people.

{sorry for my rant/dump of my feelings.}