growing up.

this week has been full. full of homework. full of friends. full of princess coloring books. full of reading. full of football. full of subway. full of laughing. full of crying. full of good music. full of snuggling. full of reminiscence. full of movies. full of drama. full of school. full of walmart. full of genuine people. full of thoughts. full of questions. full of dreams. full of hopes. full of graduation planning. full of scholarship applications. full of cap and gown shopping.

did you catch those last three? graduation planning. scholarships. caps and gowns. what in the world. weeks like these, i feel so young. i don't feel like i should be preparing for any of this. in all honesty, i wish i could stay 16 forever. i don't want to have to deal with choosing a college or worrying about finances or getting a job or figuring out graduation. i want life to stay {relatively} simple. i'm afraid of growing up. i'm afraid of the unknown.

last night i went to a high school football game with some friends. it was the last game of the season {and we won! go titans!} and i almost got emotional because it was my last high school football game as a high schooler. high school football games are fun. i love them. the rivalries, the yelling, the anticipation, the cheering, the antsy final minutes, and the feeling of community that permeates through the crowd. i know that there will be more football games in college and beyond. i know that "they only get better" but i don't want something new. i want what i'm used to.

i'm terrified for the next few years of my life. i feel like i'm just beginning to understand what i'm supposed to do with my situation in life {where i'm at right now} and pretty soon, it'll all be gone. don't get me wrong - i think it'll be a fabulous adventure - but i have had so much change in my life in the last three years and i don't know how to deal with more of it. the future keeps creeping up, and most days, i welcome it with open arms. i say "i am so past high school. i can't wait to be finished. i can't wait to get out. i can't wait to 'start my life.'" but when i finally realize that it will actually be gone, i can't imagine.

i know what i want to do with my life. i do not know what i will do with my life. this is half of the fear. i don't want to live a normal life. i want to do something with my life. i have a passion to impact people. this is more of the fear. i'm afraid that "when i grow up," i will lose my passion for being a world changer {or at least a life changer}. i'm terrified of forgetting what i am called to do. for some reason, i feel like i will forget all of this when i grow up.

everything moves so fast. it's so difficult for me to believe that less than 4 years ago, i was still living in indiana. since then, i've lived in texas and colorado. less than 4 years ago, i had no idea what life held for me {in the upcoming years}. i wouldn't trade the last 4 years for anything. i have been so unbelievably blessed. some days i forget how fortunate i am and dwell in my misfortunes and woes and bad moods. there are days when i just want to go to some far off place and be. i could see myself like this:



in fact, i would absolutely love to do that. to be the only white person roaming through muddy fields with children from asia or africa or south america. everyone who knows me knows that i dream of moving to papua new guinea after i graduate college. i just want to travel and love on kids and be in places that stretch my american way of thinking and looking at the world. in this way, i am overwhelmed with excitement for the future. even when i dream of these things, though, i get a seed of doubt in my heart. i wonder "will i be content with my life if i never do these things? if i stay in america forever? if i get a 'normal' job and have a 'normal' life?"

this is where trust comes in. at this point, i must trust that my Papa knows what He is doing. trust that i will live the life that i am meant to live. trust that i can be used for His kingdom here in america. trust that i can have an impact wherever He puts me.

so yes, growing up terrifies me. but growing up also excites me. i cannot wait to see where Papa puts me and what i will do with my life.

{it seems that every time i sit down to blog, i end up dumping my whole heart onto the computer screen. thank you for bearing with me through it all!}