beautiful chaos.

beautiful chaos. {i must admit...i stole this phrase off a friend's blog because it so aptly fits my life!} if i could define my life in 2 words, those are the words i would use.

there are countless days when i just want to curl up in bed and cry. i always have at least 3 to-do lists going, and there are days when i simply look over my to-do lists and the tears well up. life is overwhelming. life is chaotic. life is stressful. but ultimately, life is beautiful. when i am able to remove myself from the day to day stress and tears, i can see that life is such a beautiful thing.

for example...
- as i write right now i am curled up in a fort made entirely out of blankets and obscure pieces of furniture with my youngest sister and my youngest brother. i have owl city playing softly and i can hear their heavy breathing as they sleep. i live for moments like this.
- earlier tonight, i talked my 10 year old brother into teaching me how to jerk. {if you do not know what the jerk is, look it up. it's the hardest thing ever.} we ended up giggling and dancing around my room together. i live for moments like this.
- today, i went up to my little brother and gave him a big hug and he just held on and told me he loved me. i live for moments like this.
- i was babysitting earlier this week and the 10 month old just curled up in my arms and snuggled up to me. i live for moments like this.
- on friday, my siblings and i had a homework date. we all got on my bed with our respective assignments and worked together and laughed and talked and joked and shared stories. i live for moments like this.
- a few nights ago, i sat at the dinner table with my mom well into the evening and shared life with her. by the end of the night, we were laughing so hard we had tears running down our faces. i live for moments like this.

all too often, i allow moments like this to pass by without acknowledging the beauty in them. all too often, i dismiss them as i panic about a test that i'm unprepared for or dwell on the teacher who doesn't like me. so often, i forget to smile at my little brother's joke or greet my little sister as she runs in the door. i want to be the loving, Spirit-filled, gracious, joyful, whimsical, free-spirited, passionate, enthusiastic friend and sister...i try so hard. but i'm just not this person all by myself. it requires a strength beyond my own to have the energy to look after anyone but myself. my friends and i constantly remind each other to "look for the amazing" in life. look for the amazing in the small things. i'm afraid that too much of life of late has been about "surviving" without regard to the people around me. i tell myself that if i can "just survive another week," i can survive anything. too much of my life is spent living for the future.

over spring break, my sweet friend kevin went home to Jesus after a battle with cancer. after observing his life and death, i adamantly resolved to live life to the fullest. to enjoy the small things. to revel in the simple beauties. to love hard without reservations. to love life. to laugh too much and encourage just enough. i'm afraid that as the months have slipped away, that my resolve toward these things has faded away. tonight as i read my sweet friend rachel's blog, i was reminded to live life to the fullest. my current method of life was challenged.

i want to be one of those people who radiates joy, empathy, love, peace, patience, a gentle spirit, and genuine kindness. in fact, i just want to be a genuine person. so tonight i am making a new resolution to allow Papa to allow himself to permeate through me and overflow out of me. i know that i can not be the person i want to be on my own strength. so it's a good thing i don't have to rely on my own strength!

if you've made it this far...kudos. thanks for "listening" to my ramblings. (: