ramblings and musings.

girls have three forms of "love money." first, we have our "savings account" of love for our future husbands, which is everything we are saving for the future and saving for the one special man.. secondly, we have our "checking account" that we spend whenever we flirt with guys or give parts of our hearts to them. and thirdly, we have our "cash"...loose money that we spend on the people in our lives that we love, such as family and friends. ideally, our checking account would be for our husbands as we date and are romantically interested before marriage , but all too often, we spend this on whoever is the most accessible at the time.

thoughts?

epiphany.

as i type write now, i am snuggled up in my bed. i am eating frozen pieces of pineapples, strawberries, mangoes, and peaches. i am listening to a new worship cd. i am wearing new clothes. i am reading a new book. somehow, however, this peaceful setting is not peaceful to me. it's not bringing joy or even just contentment. while reading, i came across a page that epitomizes how i feel.

rob bell, in his book drops like stars, writes: "if we aren't careful, our success and security and abundance can lead to a certain sort of boredom, a numbing predictability, a paralyzing indifference that comes from being too comfortable."

rob bell continues on, saying that we want to feel like we're "really alive." he writes "at least when you struggle, you're feeling something."

somehow i feel like this is where i'm at. when life becomes monotonous, i complain. i find something to be upset about. i find something to struggle with. because this struggle allows me to feel something. days and weeks go by where i am void of emotion altogether. my heart is completely numb, not allowing me to feel pain or joy. therefore, i fight myself. i force myself to feel something, reasoning that something is better than nothing.

it is in these times that i finally allow myself to look into the dark parts of my heart and mind, wading through unresolved emotions from days, weeks, months, and years ago. i walk away without resolving the emotions, but allowing myself to wallow in them. i expel all emotions i can, proud of myself for feeling.

in reality, when addressing these emotions, i begin with the oldest ones. the ones i've left alone the longest. i am afraid to approach the fresh ones, afraid of the pain of new hurt, disappointment, and frustration. i want to feel, but i don't want to feel so keenly. i still desire in a weird way to keep myself in control of my emotions. i fear that if i address new issues, i will no longer have the feeling of control over my emotions.

in a roundabout way, i suppose i'm confessing that "fine" and "alright" are never good enough. i must feel something, and too often, it's easier to feel pain, sadness, anxiety, and frustration than joy, peace, and love.

at this point, i am going to delve back into drops like stars to see what else God has to teach me. what other epiphanies he has to give me. so goodbye for now...remember to appreciate the small things tonight.

tears and fears.

these past few months have been rough. today, everything hit me. i realized how rough everything has been and how i feel like i've lost everything dear to me. i still have a phenomenal friends and an absolutely wonderful family. i just feel like i've lost myself. i feel like i've lost the things i stand for. i feel like i've given up the things that i have always loved and the things i have always stood for. {don't get me wrong...i haven't done anything drastically terrible. i haven't had any one thing that i feel guilty for. i've just lost myself.}

in trying to please everyone else, i've forgotten to please the One i care most about. i've forgotten to live the way i'm supposed to. i've lost it all. i feel like i am going in circles trying to please everyone and become the person everyone else wants me to be.

in being this way, i have lost all feelings of self confidence. i feel like i will never be worthy of love. i feel like i will never be good enough for anyone or anything. i feel like i won't even be able to accomplish my goals and dreams. one of my professors told me yesterday, "you are a waste of my time. you will never be anything in life. don't even bother going to college, because you will never succeed. good luck ever succeeding at anything." yesterday, another person told me straight up "i don't like you. i can't stand you." these ideas {in a nutshell} have defined what i've thought of myself this semester. there wasn't anything specifically that made this change come about...there wasn't one particular event or one day or anything. i just slowly let myself go and let myself stop trying to be where i wanted to be.

my friend sierra put it perfectly:
"i've been living full of meaningless efforts to reach the top of a pile of people living hollow, shallow existences, just like me. even though nothing i've attempted has brought me true fulfillment, i'm busting my butt trying to do it anyway."

this is how i have felt. i've let others define me. so it's time for me to start living again. time for me to seek the One i love and figure out where he wants me. time for me to spend time with him. time for me to allow him to tell me how HE feels about me. time for me to love to live and live to love.

{once again, i'm sorry. i didn't even proofread this so i'm sorry it's so random and thrown together. i'm sorry that you have to know all this. i'm sorry i've been this way. i'm sorry.}

that time of year.

yes...that time of year. when i hang christmas lights in my room, parade around in footie pajamas, sleep in front of the fire place, listen to comforting music over and over, and drink luxurious hot drinks.


this is me during winter. every night. you see...i have a love/hate relationship with the cold. this morning, it was exclusively a hate relationship. right now, it's mostly a love relationship. pictured above, you can see my {ghetto} christmas lights, my {new best friends, aka my...} footie pajamas, and the best mug ever {courtesy of the lovely thruston family}. and yes, that mug is almost as big as my head. {how else am i supposed to take countless trips to the bathroom at ungodly hours of the night/early morning?!}

i just really love curling up in bed for days at a time and losing myself in books. and falling asleep in front of the fireplace while watching the snow fall. and laying on the couch and watching the christmas lights flicker. and snuggling up with fuzzy blankets and warm clothes. and drinking hot tea or cider. and i just can't do these in the summer. i can't even do them when it's like 50 degrees {uhm sorry texas winter, but i have a hard time enjoying you}. so {for now} i'm enjoying this weather while i can!

anticipation.

is killing me. (: 3 days until my birthday! 3 days until i fly by myself for the first time! :O 3 days until i go back to texas! 3 days until i see my texas bestest friends that i haven't seen in over a year! 3 days until one of the most fun weekends of my life.
did i mention? 3 days!
like i said...the anticipation is absolutely killing me. i cannot wait. i'm ready to take a million pictures. i'm ready to laugh with everyone. i'm ready to stay up all night sharing my heart. i'm ready to see my gorgeous friends. i'm ready to ride in christine's pick up and yell at people out the window. i'm ready to make tshirts. i'm ready to go to pantego again. i'm ready to dance around parking lots. i'm ready to make starbucks runs. i'm ready to toilet paper people and cause trouble. (:
i'm stokedddd! <33 love you, texas friends!

future shenanigans.

i am not going to marry a white person. asian and black babies are just so much cuter. priorities, right?

here we go.

aaaand today is the day. the christmas decorating kind of day. all the lights are up, and the decorations in our house are going up right now. christmas music is playing. the fire is crackling. {well it's not really, since it's gas, but one can pretend, right?}

christmas season starts now.

thanksgiving.

thanksgiving : the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God.

so many people call thanksgiving by its name, but don't truly give thanks. i'm afraid all too often, i allow myself to dwell on the negative rather than accept the positive. so here's {a glimpse of} what i'm thankful for. (:

i'm thankful for:
- an unbelievably supportive, encouraging, and loving family
- phenomenal friends {around the usa and the world}
- hot showers
- football
- hot tea
- chivalry
- star gazing
- long conversations
- toilets that flush
- music
- genuine people
- good movies
- laughter
- tim tebow
- delightful books
- hugs
- disney princess coloring books
- colors
- nail polish
- spontaneity
- good memories
- road trips
- life changing moments
- dreams
- fire places
- rain
- blanket forts
- coffee dates
- chapstick
- sunshine
- little kids
- weekends
- beaches
- mountains
- sunsets
- camping
- candles
- chipotle
- eye opening mission trips
- late nights
- a comfortable bed
- good health
- drinkable water
- storms {listening to storms is the best}
- love
- and lastly, a God who is bigger than my circumstances and loves me always.

{this is the quick list off the top of my head.}

so what are you thankful for? be sure to let people know you appreciate and love them, especially today!

sometimes...

...my heart hurts. i mean, my chest literally hurts. like my heart is telling me "don't do that again." but then i do "it" again. and my heart hurts again. and i always have hope that "it" won't hurt me. but somehow, my hope is obliterated. and then my heart hurts because my hope is obliterated and because i did "it." {and i'm afraid there are lots of "its" that make my heart hurt.} so i'm sitting here right now with my heart hurting. telling myself not to do "it" again. let's see how this goes.

{have i confused you yet?}

finally.

well. i had never seen the harry potter movies before this week, but i have {secretly} wanted to watch them for a long time now! so this week i have been watching them. (:



hooray for mister potter! i watched the first one at about 1am on saturday...well, sunday. i then watched the 2nd and 3rd one today and i'm in the middle of the 4th at the moment. (:

WHERE has harry potter been my whole life?! i can't believe i didn't hop on this bandwagon sooner! haha i can't wait for the final movie to come out. i will be there at midnight for sure! (:

i am going to watch the 5th and 6th and go see the 7th in theaters before my birthday next week. at least...that's my goal! and i have two term papers to write before my birthday as well...soo...harry potter will be perfect for helping me procrastinate!

uncertainty.

what do you do when you don't know what to do?

i know the easy answer. i know "just trust God." i know "everything happens for a reason" and "everything will work out." i know "God won't give you more than you can handle." but honestly? do you know how hard that all is? the pat cliche answers do nothing. they make everything simple and make everything fit into a little box. but honestly? nothing is that easy. what do you do? what do you do when you just want to give up on it all? what do you do when you feel like you should be happy and should be joyful but you just aren't? what do you do when all you want to do is curl up in bed and never get out? when you watch movies just to cry and allow the tears to be released? sometimes i'm afraid i'm too good at pretending like everything's fine. like i'm too good at putting on a smile. i forget that people care about me and how i'm really doing. i forget that people might actually want to know how i am. how i really am. sometimes i get tired of pretending. occasionally, i'll let someone in. allow someone to see what makes my heart beat. what i love. what i can't stand. how i am really doing.

unfortunately, i only let people get so close. i don't tell any one person everything. no one person knows everything about me. i'm afraid that if i trust someone too much, they will hurt me. so i let someone get close, and when i feel they're getting too close, {most of the time} i push myself away. i distance myself. i shut my heart down.

i don't know why i do this. i just know that it's as common to me as friendship. i think to myself "i'm stronger than this. why am i allowing this to affect me? if i just bottle it up, it will go away." in reality, these are all myths that i feed myself to try to explain my actions away. i don't know that i even want to trust people. i struggle with this in my relationship with God as well. one of my favorite quotes is by barlowgirl, when they say "why do we think if we trust God too much, he will fail us?" that epitomizes my life.

i want people to see me as trustworthy. i realize, though, that nobody is going to trust me if i don't trust them. so it's time for me to learn. to grow. to trust. to share my uncertainties with people.

{sorry for my rant/dump of my feelings.}

say what?

i've been told a few times this week that i look like twiggy. when i first heard that, i must confess that i didn't know who she was. so a quick google search answered my question! this is twiggy...a lovely model from the 1960's:


my first thought was "haha i wish!" she's absolutely stunning. (: so of course i had to read up on her and find out some stuff about her...i want to know who this girl is that i feel i'm being compared to!

twiggy was an exception to the norm. she, according to standards, should never have been a model. she was too short to be a model and had a boyish figure that was uncommon for models. she went against expectation.

the more i researched twiggy, the more i fell in love with her character. she is who i would love to be. someone who goes against expectations and "the norm." i don't want to be who people expect me to be. in most cases, i don't even want to be who people want me to be.

so yes...when i saw that picture of twiggy, my first thought was "i wish i looked like her." but as i break things down in my mind, i am grateful for who i am. i am chosen. i was called to be me. to be abigail joy anthony. and there is no higher calling for me than that! (: i am simply to be who God wants - no more, no less.

slow down.

this weekend, i went out of town to stay with a friend at the lovely ccu. {colorado christian university} while i was there, God reminded me of an important lesson that i'm {unfortunately} good at forgetting.

"slow down" he said to me.

take time to smell the roses. dance in the storms. smile at a stranger. enjoy the small things. don't lose the small things in the big picture. invest in others' lives. remember the important things in life.

i spent time just sitting and enjoying people this weekend. i sat in a recliner and shared my heart with people. i listened to others tell me their life stories. i sat at the kitchen table and laughed with old and new friends. i was able to be completely at peace for the first time in a long time. the important things in life became evident and came to the forefront of my "to do list."

i desire to live this way all the time. i spend too much of my life looking at the future. i spend too much of my life focused on the negative things. i forget to truly be. i forget to relax. i forget to allow myself to be at peace. i'm so focused on what's next that i forget to enjoy the now.

when i came home last night, i went to my parents' bible study. there were 2 main take aways from the conversation for everyone, and they tied into what God taught me over the weekend.

live simply. live curiously.

our take aways lined up with what God was reminding me. i love when that happens! live curiously means to live in a way that cares about others. live curiously means when you say "how are you?" you actually care. live curiously means don't accept everything as is - ask questions.

soo...today i'm taking time to breathe. i'm hugging the ones i love. i'm listening to Papa's leading. and i'm slowing down.

all the lonely people...where do they all come from?

all the lonely people...where do they all belong?

it seems that everyone that i've spoken with lately is feeling alone. unwanted. uncared for. unimportant. lonely. even moreso than normal, i feel. what's been happening lately? why are there so many people feeling this way lately?

to those of you who are feeling lonely : know you are loved.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : you're worth more than i can tell you.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : you aren't alone.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : look for the good in every situation.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : don't forget others.

don't forget that you are not the only one feeling this way. there are many people who are in the same boat as you. please don't negate anyone else's feelings. don't put your feelings before everyone else's. remember that there are other people hurting just as much as you.

don't forget to listen just as much as you talk.
don't forget to love others just as much as you love yourself.
don't forget to accept other's hurts without trying to cover them with your own.

i know that i can be too focused on myself and my own agenda, so i will work toward this alongside you.

{please don't take this note the wrong way. i don't mean to be harsh. i'm not addressing this at anybody in particular. i just have to say what's on my heart.}

growing up.

this week has been full. full of homework. full of friends. full of princess coloring books. full of reading. full of football. full of subway. full of laughing. full of crying. full of good music. full of snuggling. full of reminiscence. full of movies. full of drama. full of school. full of walmart. full of genuine people. full of thoughts. full of questions. full of dreams. full of hopes. full of graduation planning. full of scholarship applications. full of cap and gown shopping.

did you catch those last three? graduation planning. scholarships. caps and gowns. what in the world. weeks like these, i feel so young. i don't feel like i should be preparing for any of this. in all honesty, i wish i could stay 16 forever. i don't want to have to deal with choosing a college or worrying about finances or getting a job or figuring out graduation. i want life to stay {relatively} simple. i'm afraid of growing up. i'm afraid of the unknown.

last night i went to a high school football game with some friends. it was the last game of the season {and we won! go titans!} and i almost got emotional because it was my last high school football game as a high schooler. high school football games are fun. i love them. the rivalries, the yelling, the anticipation, the cheering, the antsy final minutes, and the feeling of community that permeates through the crowd. i know that there will be more football games in college and beyond. i know that "they only get better" but i don't want something new. i want what i'm used to.

i'm terrified for the next few years of my life. i feel like i'm just beginning to understand what i'm supposed to do with my situation in life {where i'm at right now} and pretty soon, it'll all be gone. don't get me wrong - i think it'll be a fabulous adventure - but i have had so much change in my life in the last three years and i don't know how to deal with more of it. the future keeps creeping up, and most days, i welcome it with open arms. i say "i am so past high school. i can't wait to be finished. i can't wait to get out. i can't wait to 'start my life.'" but when i finally realize that it will actually be gone, i can't imagine.

i know what i want to do with my life. i do not know what i will do with my life. this is half of the fear. i don't want to live a normal life. i want to do something with my life. i have a passion to impact people. this is more of the fear. i'm afraid that "when i grow up," i will lose my passion for being a world changer {or at least a life changer}. i'm terrified of forgetting what i am called to do. for some reason, i feel like i will forget all of this when i grow up.

everything moves so fast. it's so difficult for me to believe that less than 4 years ago, i was still living in indiana. since then, i've lived in texas and colorado. less than 4 years ago, i had no idea what life held for me {in the upcoming years}. i wouldn't trade the last 4 years for anything. i have been so unbelievably blessed. some days i forget how fortunate i am and dwell in my misfortunes and woes and bad moods. there are days when i just want to go to some far off place and be. i could see myself like this:



in fact, i would absolutely love to do that. to be the only white person roaming through muddy fields with children from asia or africa or south america. everyone who knows me knows that i dream of moving to papua new guinea after i graduate college. i just want to travel and love on kids and be in places that stretch my american way of thinking and looking at the world. in this way, i am overwhelmed with excitement for the future. even when i dream of these things, though, i get a seed of doubt in my heart. i wonder "will i be content with my life if i never do these things? if i stay in america forever? if i get a 'normal' job and have a 'normal' life?"

this is where trust comes in. at this point, i must trust that my Papa knows what He is doing. trust that i will live the life that i am meant to live. trust that i can be used for His kingdom here in america. trust that i can have an impact wherever He puts me.

so yes, growing up terrifies me. but growing up also excites me. i cannot wait to see where Papa puts me and what i will do with my life.

{it seems that every time i sit down to blog, i end up dumping my whole heart onto the computer screen. thank you for bearing with me through it all!}

writer's block.

well...i wouldn't consider myself a writer. i wouldn't even consider myself a wannabe writer. in my opinion, the only time my writing is decent is when i pour my heart into it. when i challenge myself. when i'm writing about emotions and thoughts that i struggle to put into words and therefore must delve deep into my emotions to dig out the words i need. writing like this is a process. i have to intentionally force myself to sit down and pour {and sometimes vomit} my words onto the computer screen. it's emotionally taxing for me to pour my heart out onto the computer screen like this, but i always finish with a lighter heart and in better spirits.

as i type this, i wonder why i'm even sharing this with you. i guess it's because of the title...writer's block. at the moment, i have no profound thoughts to share with you, no funny stories to giggle about, and no exciting circumstances to converse about. life is just life. monotony. exhaustion. homework. stress. but through it all, i am loved. i am blessed. i have incredible friends and family around the country who would support me through anything. i have a pretty swell school schedule {i only have to go to school on tuesdays and thursdays}. i have a God who is bigger than my circumstances.

i feel like my life is overflowing with apathetic people. i am struggling to be passionate because the people i am around are not passionate about anything. this passage has become what i feel to be my calling. my challenge.

{God grabbed me. God's Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. He led me around and among them—a lot of bones! There were bones all over the plain—dry bones, bleached by the sun. He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "Master God, only you know that." He said to me, "Prophesy over these bones: 'Dry bones, listen to the Message of God!'" God, the Master, told the dry bones, "Watch this: I'm bringing the breath of life to you and you'll come to life. I'll attach sinews to you, put meat on your bones, cover you with skin, and breathe life into you. You'll come alive and you'll realize that I am God!" I prophesied just as I'd been commanded. As I prophesied, there was a sound and, oh, rustling! The bones moved and came together, bone to bone. I kept watching. Sinews formed, then muscles on the bones, then skin stretched over them. But they had no breath in them. He said to me, "Prophesy to the breath. Prophesy, son of man. Tell the breath, 'God, the Master, says, Come from the four winds. Come, breath. Breathe on these slain bodies. Breathe life!'" So I prophesied, just as he commanded me. The breath entered them and they came alive! They stood up on their feet, a huge army. Then God said to me, "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Listen to what they're saying: 'Our bones are dried up, our hope is gone, there's nothing left of us.'"Therefore, prophesy. Tell them, 'God, the Master, says: I'll dig up your graves and bring you out alive—O my people! Then I'll take you straight to the land of Israel. When I dig up graves and bring you out as my people, you'll realize that I am God. I'll breathe my life into you and you'll live. Then I'll lead you straight back to your land and you'll realize that I am God. I've said it and I'll do it. God's Decree.'"}

- ezekiel 37:1-14 {the message}

i think i am here to speak into the lives of the apathetic. to prophesy life. to encourage and love, but also to challenge. my calling is not to sit in apathy. my calling is not to be a lukewarm Christian. my calling is to be the hands and feet of Christ without regard to myself.

i am dreadfully sorry about this post. i'm not exactly sure what i just wrote or why i wrote it, but {as always} i feel better after writing it.

genuineness. {yes, that's a word.}

i've been having a lot of conversations with people lately where the topic of genuineness has come up. {i looked up the word 'genuineness' in the dictionary. somehow it doesn't seem like a real word, but apparently it is?}

what does it mean to be genuine? when i looked it up on dictionary.com this definition came up:

genuine {adjective} : free from pretense, affectation, or hypocrisy; sincere

so let's break this down a bit more. pretense is a false show of something, affectation is an effort to appear to have a quality not really or fully possessed, and hypocrisy is a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude and sincerity is freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity.

THEREFORE...genuineness is free from false shows. genuineness is free from efforts to pretend to be someone you aren't. genuineness is being one person all the time. genuineness doesn't put on a mask. genuineness is about being kind rather than just being nice.

i want so badly to be genuine. i want to be one of those people where what you see is what you get but i just don't know how. {note: when i say that, i don't mean one of those arrogant people that says 'love me for who i am or get away.' i mean one of those people that is just straight up without any two facedness.}

cons:
genuine people are vulnerable. genuine people can be taken advantage of because people know they care. genuine people are selfless, caring more about others needs and wants than their own.

because of these things, it's intimidating to try to be genuine. i'm afraid that if i was genuine, i would become almost neglected. i'm afraid that my needs and wants wouldn't be met. in all honesty, i feel like i have to whine a little in order for people to actually care about how i'm doing. i'm afraid of my idea of genuineness...someone who gives and gives and gives and never receives.

pros:
genuine people are free spirited. genuine people are trustworthy. genuine people are kind. genuine people are loved. genuine people are real.

i desire to be genuine. when i look at that list of pros and cons, i see the cons as inconsequential and shallow. i want to be REAL. i want to have an impact, and in my opinion, people who are genuine have more of an impact on those around them than people who aren't genuine. and overall, i feel like i am called to be a genuine person. so i'm working with my Papa to figure out what that looks like and how i can live it out in a practical way.

thank you for once again "listening" to my ramblings!

{DISCLAIMER : this isn't an enlightened post about genuineness. this post is simply my ideas of who and what a genuine person is.} (:

note to self.

dear abigail joy anthony (aka self),
please oh please don't stay up until 4:30am the night before you have TONS of homework to do. you might have the time of your life, but i don't know how long i will be able to stay awake for!
much love,
- your body

beautiful chaos.

beautiful chaos. {i must admit...i stole this phrase off a friend's blog because it so aptly fits my life!} if i could define my life in 2 words, those are the words i would use.

there are countless days when i just want to curl up in bed and cry. i always have at least 3 to-do lists going, and there are days when i simply look over my to-do lists and the tears well up. life is overwhelming. life is chaotic. life is stressful. but ultimately, life is beautiful. when i am able to remove myself from the day to day stress and tears, i can see that life is such a beautiful thing.

for example...
- as i write right now i am curled up in a fort made entirely out of blankets and obscure pieces of furniture with my youngest sister and my youngest brother. i have owl city playing softly and i can hear their heavy breathing as they sleep. i live for moments like this.
- earlier tonight, i talked my 10 year old brother into teaching me how to jerk. {if you do not know what the jerk is, look it up. it's the hardest thing ever.} we ended up giggling and dancing around my room together. i live for moments like this.
- today, i went up to my little brother and gave him a big hug and he just held on and told me he loved me. i live for moments like this.
- i was babysitting earlier this week and the 10 month old just curled up in my arms and snuggled up to me. i live for moments like this.
- on friday, my siblings and i had a homework date. we all got on my bed with our respective assignments and worked together and laughed and talked and joked and shared stories. i live for moments like this.
- a few nights ago, i sat at the dinner table with my mom well into the evening and shared life with her. by the end of the night, we were laughing so hard we had tears running down our faces. i live for moments like this.

all too often, i allow moments like this to pass by without acknowledging the beauty in them. all too often, i dismiss them as i panic about a test that i'm unprepared for or dwell on the teacher who doesn't like me. so often, i forget to smile at my little brother's joke or greet my little sister as she runs in the door. i want to be the loving, Spirit-filled, gracious, joyful, whimsical, free-spirited, passionate, enthusiastic friend and sister...i try so hard. but i'm just not this person all by myself. it requires a strength beyond my own to have the energy to look after anyone but myself. my friends and i constantly remind each other to "look for the amazing" in life. look for the amazing in the small things. i'm afraid that too much of life of late has been about "surviving" without regard to the people around me. i tell myself that if i can "just survive another week," i can survive anything. too much of my life is spent living for the future.

over spring break, my sweet friend kevin went home to Jesus after a battle with cancer. after observing his life and death, i adamantly resolved to live life to the fullest. to enjoy the small things. to revel in the simple beauties. to love hard without reservations. to love life. to laugh too much and encourage just enough. i'm afraid that as the months have slipped away, that my resolve toward these things has faded away. tonight as i read my sweet friend rachel's blog, i was reminded to live life to the fullest. my current method of life was challenged.

i want to be one of those people who radiates joy, empathy, love, peace, patience, a gentle spirit, and genuine kindness. in fact, i just want to be a genuine person. so tonight i am making a new resolution to allow Papa to allow himself to permeate through me and overflow out of me. i know that i can not be the person i want to be on my own strength. so it's a good thing i don't have to rely on my own strength!

if you've made it this far...kudos. thanks for "listening" to my ramblings. (:

tuesday funday?

today was my geography midterm! and i survived! i am interested to see what my score will be...not quite sure how well i did.

this will be me tonight:



my siblings and i are making blanket forts to sleep in tonight. it will be way too much fun. (: i love my siblings! i've been flying solo lately so it's nice to be home for once and get some much needed family time! so for now they are watching me blog and we're listening to taylor swift's new album. it's so good. {except the whole thing makes me want to cry!}

quick side note:
it's always such an interesting experience when people at the college find out i'm only 16. today when a guy from my government class found out, he let loose with a string of expletives. he was upset because he was in 3rd grade when i was born. not my fault! another girl kept looking at me and saying "are you kidding me?!" over and over when i told her about getting my senior pictures done. sorry everyone, but i'm just an old soul in a young body! haha

alright that's all i've got for now. have a wonderfully blessed week. (:

weekends are to live for!

friday i got kidnapped by my lovely friend haley (this is us):



aren't we adorable? ;) and we baked some of these:



they were so very delicious! :D we then went to a football game, where my titans won big time! (: after the game, a mcdonalds run and a party made life interesting! had so much fun talking until like 2am. (:

saturday i slept, skyped friends, babysat, and then headed to haley's house to play this amazing game:



haha so much fun! i have some amazing friends. (: and today? i had church this morning, then went to a friend's house and played dress up. (:



ta da! (: it was loads of fun! then back to haley's house for a movie and dinner and fun times! haley and i are going to be good friends. (: haha!

i love weekends oh so very much!

weekends are my favorite. (:

today, i got my senior pictures back! i had them taken on monday, and i received the cd with the pictures today. i am incredibly excited! now....to pick my favorites...that will be the hard part! help me out! here's a link to the facebook album

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=242230&id=527471713&l=8c05c2f9b6

check it! (:

wake up, men.

i appreciate chivalry.
i appreciate being encouraged by guys who don’t have ulterior motives.
i appreciate guys who are leaders.
i appreciate guys who take responsibility for their actions.
i appreciate guys who aren’t apathetic.
i appreciate not being objectified.
i appreciate humility.
i appreciate selflessness.
i appreciate courtesy.
i appreciate respect.
i appreciate patience.
i appreciate real kindness.
i appreciate politeness.
i appreciate honesty.
i appreciate forgiveness.
i appreciate gentleness.
i appreciate feeling safe.
i appreciate feeling protected.
i appreciate optimism.
i appreciate hugs.

i am incredibly blessed to have guys in my life who live these things out, and i can’t tell you how dear they are to me. but i’m afraid guys like these are few and far between. only a fraction of guys in my life are actually like this.

to the guys in my life who epitomize these attributes...i adore you guys. y’all make my life so much better. i can’t explain how much y'all mean to me. thank you. thank you. thank you. your efforts do not go unnoticed.

to the guys in my life who do not live this out – take notes. please. i wish i could tell you that it'll be easy, but it won't be. i wish i could tell you that everyone would notice your actions, but it's not true. but trust me - it'll be worth it. your efforts will not be futile or in vain.

musings.

what is love anyway? the phrase "i love you" gets thrown around daily. what does it even mean? according to webster's dictionary, love is both a noun and a verb. in verb form, it means "to hold dear." if that was love perhaps the word wouldn't be overused. but i must disagree with sir webster and say that love is so much more than "holding someone dear." in order to explore what love truly means, let's go to 1 corinthians.

love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy. it does not boast. it is not proud. it is not rude. it is not self-seeking. it is not easily angered. it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails. [niv]

love never gives up. love cares more for others than for self. love doesn't want what it doesn't have. love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first," doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back but keeps going to the end. love never dies. [the message]

i feel like these are much more accurate pictures of what love really is. my 2 favorite parts of this are:

1. it is not self seeking.
love is not self seeking. love isn't focused on MY wants or even MY needs. this means that if the person you really love leaves you for someone else, you will accept that. if that person is happy with someone else, you will accept that. this is when you realize whether you really love the person or not. are you willing to see them with someone else if it's what's best for them?

2. love never fails.
love never fails. sorry guys but this whole "i love you" thing that gets thrown around all the time almost always fades away. 2 weeks later when you break up or have a fight, will you still be saying you love that person? love isn't something that can be shut off like a light switch after a friendship or relationship comes to an end. love is something that never dies.

SOOO...those are my thoughts of the night. thoughts? questions? comments?

wednesday night blues.

today my parents left for 2 weeks of bliss on the beaches of hawaii. and i am left at home to slog through my homework. therefore, it's one of these kinds of nights:



that's right, folks. i'm rocking the green pore cleansing face mask as i attempt to complete my homework. i'm also considering cutting my hair off? i don't know what came over me! but i'm thinking this is cute:





so i don't know. there's my musings of the evening. (:

a glimpse into the life of an anthony child.

tonight started out just like any other night - my family circled up like we always do to chat and pray together. somehow, we began talking about the future and what our family gatherings will look like in 20 years. my dad insisted that our children must call him "granpappy." uhm i'm thinking no. and he and i came up with the idea that our children will call my mom "nony" haha (: my dad wants each of us kids to have 8 kids of our own, so that will make 82 of us at each immediate family gathering. my dad also thinks that we should all stay at my parents house because "it'll be tradition" so there will be 82 of us sleeping in the same house. crazy! so we began brainstorming as to how that could work, and my dad came up with the idea for a "pull a number for a shower" thingamabob. so he imagined one of our kids pulling a number and being like "46! shoooot!" hahaha. and there'd be a little "now serving #12" sign above the door. giggle.
oh. and luke is convinced that his children are going to be like this:



and that they will even walk around with their hands like that. oh and they will call luke and his wife "father" and "mother" rather than mom and dad. (and they will call my parents "grandmother" and "grandfather" rather than "granpappy" and "nony") here's another picture of what luke is convinced his children will be like:



hilarious.

oh and levi's children will be like this:



total surfer children. it'd be so fun to see luke and levi's children interact. haha!

and i will be the awesome "auntie abigail" who is married to some super attractive guy (that was lydia's bit) who travels the world and buys trinkets for the nieces and nephews. yes. this will be me:



free spirit world traveler auntie extraordinaire. (: i like it. haha!

so here's my dad in 20 years:





and my mother will be some cute little old woman who keeps my daddyo sane. here she is:



and this will be caleb:



some 38 year old tycoon businessman who owns half of america. and here's josiah:



some 35 year old youth pastor leading worship. and here's destiny:



some girl living it up in la or something! haha! here's luke:



kidding, kidding! here he is:



so that's luke. supposedly he's just going to be rich and never work. haha! here's lydia!



she'll be some adorable little mom. (: here's josh!



i don't even know what he'll be doing. haha! and finally, here's levi!



he'll be some cali beach bum.


so there you go! there's my family in 20 years! ;)

tuesday thoughts.

today was my first midterm of the year and my first essay test ever. i feel fairly confident about it, but i guess we shall see how well i knew the material when i get my grade back! it was in american government. this is my first time taking american government, so i hope i walk away with a better understanding of the topic! i also had a geography test today. geography just may be the death of me! it is a difficult class for me, since it isn't the way that my brain works, but i'm sure i'll do fine. (:

okay...enough about school! except my last class of the day was canceled so i got to come home two hours early! (:

for lunch, i had this:


deeeeelish. i could get fat off those. :O

tomorrow, my parents leave for hawaii. i am so very jealous of their opportunity to go somewhere warm and tropical! but to be honest, i'm feeling blessed right now. i have an amazing family, unbelievable friends, and everything that i could possibly need. oh and...the rangers won last night. (:



let's go rangers! i wish i was back in texas for the wild excitement and celebrations, but i will live vicariously through my texas friends! (:

rainy day whims.

okay. so once again, i'm going to try to blog. i've had an itching for it lately, and i think it'd be loads of fun! (: so here goes nothing!

it's monday, october 18th and i am trying to enjoy the 45 degree overcast autumn weather.

to be honest, i would love to be curled up in this:



while drinking some of this: (spiced cider, for those of you silly enough to not know!)



and watching this:



but alas, it is a monday and i must be productive. even if it kills me! i slept far too late today and must make up for that in the next two hours. this afternoon, i am getting my senior pictures taken by the lovely julie miller! i can not wait. (: let's hope the weather clears up before then!
this has been such a gorgeous autumn for us colorado residents. hopefully, it will make the long winter more bearable! i am learning to love the color that the aspen trees add to the mountains rather than miss the midwest colors that i am accustomed to. here's a taste of the colors i miss:



gorgeous, isn't it? but i will be there for a (hopefully) white christmas, so it's okay. (:

happy monday, everyone!