cue insecurity.

disclaimer: the following post is not put in place to invoke sympathy or fish for compliments. i just need to get some things off my chest.

well...where to begin. i guess i've never been an extremely confident person. okay scratch that. i've always been at different phases of insecurity. i have friends who are extremely confident in themselves and in their looks, but i'm afraid i have never been that way. {don't get me wrong : i can act with the best of them. i've had people be extremely surprised upon finding out how insecure i am, but i guess i just do a lot of faking.} i'm not proud of my insecurity. in fact, i would love to look you in the eye and tell you that i am confident in the young woman God has created me to be.

the truth is...i'm not. i'm not confident in who i am in the least bit.

i go through phases of seeing glimpses of myself through my Father's eyes, but this is far from the norm for me. i have gotten better this past year about seeing myself as beautiful, but i am still painfully insecure.

as i type tonight, my heart is heavy and i regret admitting these things to the lovely world of blogging. i wish desperately to continue pushing the truth down, but i'm not sure i can keep up the game any longer. tears fall as my fears and insecurity bubble over. there are times when i feel i'm going to drown in it all. i smile on the outside and cry on the inside. i know it's "normal" for teenage girls to be insecure, but i'm overwhelmed.

when your good friends have eating disorders yet are smaller than you, it's difficult to grasp God's view of yourself. {of course this is hypothetical? okay not really.} i look in the mirror and am disappointed by what i see. i try to figure out how to fix my flaws as i scrutinize myself. i am disgusted by myself and my empty promises of improving myself. i do nothing about my insecurity. nothing but let it fester inside of me, growing bitterness toward those who don't have to deal with the feelings i have or those who are too gorgeous to even have flaws.

i play the comparison game...sitting back and observing others, allowing myself to become jealous of their beauty. i compare every feature of myself to others, never allowing myself to "win" this twisted game i play. you see, blogging world, i find beauty in everyone but myself.

in february, i attended a concert, and mercy me was playing there. they played the song beautiful and it wrecked me. here are the lyrics :

days will come when you don't have the strength
when all you hear is you're not worth anything
wondering if you ever could be loved
and if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful

i'm praying that you have the heart to find
cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
for all the lies you've held inside so long
and they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are made so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful


before you ever took a breath
long before the world began
of all the wonders He possessed
there was one more precious
of all the earth and skies above
you're the one He madly loves
enough to die

you're beautiful
you're beautiful
in His eyes

you're beautiful
you were meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're meant for so much more than all of this
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

this song wrecked me, y'all. this song makes me feel worth something. i honestly believe it was given to me by my Papa to teach me and remind me of something very important. i have value.

the night of this concert, God asked me to do a little something called no makeup march. yeah. not a fan. but it's been good. it's currently 26 days into march and i am realizing i have a lot more to learn. a whole dang lot. so i'm diving into my Papa. begging him to show me how he sees me. pleading with him to change my eyes into his. because i'm tired of hating the person i see in the mirror, and most of all, i'm tired of my heart hurting because i know i'm breaking my Father's heart.

i'm ready to give up my stubborn opinions of myself and listen to his gentle voice.

a conversation.

my love. it is time for you to learn to love the people you don't like.

but Papa. don't you know i don't want to do that? haven't you been pushing me enough lately?

trust me.

but Papa. really. can't i have a break? can't i have a week of living my own way without having to worry about what's best for everyone around me and what will stretch and grow me?

i gave up my place in perfection to come reach out to people like you. i devoted my life entirely to furthering the kingdom of heaven. to pursuing the hearts of the people i so passionately love. i know what it's like to be tempted to follow one's own desires. i will give you strength. i will give you purpose.

i know. but to be brutally honest, sometimes i just want to focus on myself. why can't people reach out to me? why do i always have to be the one to reach out? the one to love? the one to pursue?

i am stretching you, my darling. i am preparing you for the future. i am asking you to look past yourself to my desires and purposes. i know what i'm doing.

i know, i know. but can't you stretch me a little...well...slower?

is that really what you desire?

well no...

do you trust me?

of course!

really?

yes.

then know that i am about to do a great work in you.

okay. i'm ready. but i'm going to need some help.

i know. i am here for you. i love you. i will equip you to do the things i am challenging you to do. you are not in this alone.

i'm ready.

trust.

"strive to trust me in more and more areas of your life. anything that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings i havd hidden in the difficulties. if you believe that i am sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust me in all situations. don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. start at the present moment - accepting things exactly as they are - and search for my way on the midst of those circumstances. trust is like a staff you can lean on as you journey uphill with me. if you are trusting in me consistently, the staff will bear as much of your weight as needed. lean on, trust in, and be confident in me with all your heart and mind."
psalm 52:8 & proverbs 3:5-6

my dear friend and mentor sent this to me this morning. it is written from the perspective of God to us {to be honest, this morning it felt like it was just written to me} in a book called "Jesus calling." i have heard a lot about this book and can't wait to read it, but i wanted to share this with the blogosphere.

life's an adventure.

and God is the tour guide.

i sort of picture life as a safari in the wilderness of africa in one of those safari land rovers.

i imagine myself looking all tan and explorer-like in my olive green shorts, khaki vest, and big hat {nobody wants to get sunburned, right?} with a camera in hand and excitement in my heart.

now, God is sitting in the driver's seat and is telling me to sit in the back and look to the side. it is not my job to look ahead or strain my eyes toward what is coming; it's just my job to look at where i am at during that moment and enjoy it to its fullest. the problem is, when i am on this safari of life, i'm not very good at just looking at where i am at and enjoying it and making the most of it. either i turn around in my seat and long for the times past {after all, the grass is always greener} or strain my eyes to see where God is taking me.

he turns to me and says "please buckle your seatbelt. this could be bumpy, but i know what i'm doing. keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times so you don't get hurt. most importantly, trust that i know what i'm doing.

i smile and say "okay perfect. we've got this." unfortunately, after just minutes, i am anxiously sitting on the edge of my seat. i look ahead and see a fork in the path. my Tour Guide turns right. i thought we should have turned left. so i unfasten my seatbelt and attempt to hop in the front seat, saying "uhm come on...we were supposed to turn left back there!" he turns to me with a knowing smile on his face and replies nonchalantly "remember how you said you'd trust that my way was best?"

oh. yeah. that's right.

mentally kicking myself, i climb back into my seat and strap my seatbelt back on, promising to myself that i won't do that again.

so i enjoy the ride for a while. i soak up the sun and smile at my Tour Guide, knowing that he knows best for me. after a bit of time {a shorter period of time than i would like to admit to}, i am intently looking out the side of the land rover when something catches my eye. i unbuckle my seatbelt and, despite protests from my Tour Guide, hop out of the land rover. "just wait a second," i yell over my shoulder. "i've got to check this out." the thing that caught my eye keeps moving away, just out of my reach, so i begin to chase it. once i eventually catch the ever-elusive object, i realize that what i thought was so important and necessary was in fact useless. i reluctantly set down my sought after object and watch it scamper away. upon freeing the object of my desire, i look around and realize my Tour Guide was right there behind me all along and it was his whisper encouraging me to let my desire go.

i run back into his arms, feeling sheepish, and he carries me back to the land rover. i apologize, promising to never let that happen again, and he accepts my apology {but with a knowing smile on his face}. you see, over the course of my adventure, i do this same thing many times. each time, the Tour Guide helps me up, brushes me off, and carries me back to the land rover.

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i've come to the end of my time...i need to go get ready for the day. but i know that God will continue showing me what my adventure looks like and that i need to keep trusting him to be my Tour Guide through it all. there are times when my safari is wonderful. there are times when my safari is just plain difficult. but through it all, my Tour Guide is constantly there to love me, support me, and challenge me.