these past few months have been rough. today, everything hit me. i realized how rough everything has been and how i feel like i've lost everything dear to me. i still have a phenomenal friends and an absolutely wonderful family. i just feel like i've lost myself. i feel like i've lost the things i stand for. i feel like i've given up the things that i have always loved and the things i have always stood for. {don't get me wrong...i haven't done anything drastically terrible. i haven't had any one thing that i feel guilty for. i've just lost myself.}
in trying to please everyone else, i've forgotten to please the One i care most about. i've forgotten to live the way i'm supposed to. i've lost it all. i feel like i am going in circles trying to please everyone and become the person everyone else wants me to be.
in being this way, i have lost all feelings of self confidence. i feel like i will never be worthy of love. i feel like i will never be good enough for anyone or anything. i feel like i won't even be able to accomplish my goals and dreams. one of my professors told me yesterday, "you are a waste of my time. you will never be anything in life. don't even bother going to college, because you will never succeed. good luck ever succeeding at anything." yesterday, another person told me straight up "i don't like you. i can't stand you." these ideas {in a nutshell} have defined what i've thought of myself this semester. there wasn't anything specifically that made this change come about...there wasn't one particular event or one day or anything. i just slowly let myself go and let myself stop trying to be where i wanted to be.
my friend sierra put it perfectly:
"i've been living full of meaningless efforts to reach the top of a pile of people living hollow, shallow existences, just like me. even though nothing i've attempted has brought me true fulfillment, i'm busting my butt trying to do it anyway."
this is how i have felt. i've let others define me. so it's time for me to start living again. time for me to seek the One i love and figure out where he wants me. time for me to spend time with him. time for me to allow him to tell me how HE feels about me. time for me to love to live and live to love.
{once again, i'm sorry. i didn't even proofread this so i'm sorry it's so random and thrown together. i'm sorry that you have to know all this. i'm sorry i've been this way. i'm sorry.}
Oh sweet, sweet girl-I may have never met you but I feel like I have. I feel like this is me in so many areas. But I have to tell you this-you will succeed at so many things in this life. I know that-God has put desires in your heart and I firmly believe that He will unfold them in the most beautiful ways. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are such an example to me.
ReplyDeleteYou hit close to home when you said you feel like you won't ever "be good enough for anyone or anything". Girl, this is totally me. I struggle daily with this. And I have to remember that none of us are "good enough" but God is so gracious, so loving, so amazing that it doesn't matter. We may never be "good enough" but He wants us anyways.
It can be hard not to please people. To not let others define you. Trust me, I know how exhausting it is (all too well).
Thinking of you, sister.
You love God, He loves you, therefore you are successful. That is your main calling in life. Psalm 27:4. It's all about One thing :)
ReplyDeleteLove you!
--Manda Panda
this. made. me. cry.
ReplyDeleteand my first instinct is to find that professor and punch him in the face. but i won't.
abigail joy, you are a BEAUTIFUL young woman. do NOT let anyone tell you otherwise. it hurts my heart to know you're hurting like this. just remember this is a season of life... the seasons come and go. some are awesome, some aren't so much. but know that HE is always on your side... and that you were fearfully and wonderfully made... for a specific purpose! never lose sight of that. you are amazing and beautiful and so so lovely!! i love you, girl!!
So that professor deserves a good smack to the face. And I don't get how that other person could not like you. Dumb people.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, God's got some amazing things in store for you. Just trust Him and find your identity in Him and not in the affirmation of others.