that time of year.

yes...that time of year. when i hang christmas lights in my room, parade around in footie pajamas, sleep in front of the fire place, listen to comforting music over and over, and drink luxurious hot drinks.


this is me during winter. every night. you see...i have a love/hate relationship with the cold. this morning, it was exclusively a hate relationship. right now, it's mostly a love relationship. pictured above, you can see my {ghetto} christmas lights, my {new best friends, aka my...} footie pajamas, and the best mug ever {courtesy of the lovely thruston family}. and yes, that mug is almost as big as my head. {how else am i supposed to take countless trips to the bathroom at ungodly hours of the night/early morning?!}

i just really love curling up in bed for days at a time and losing myself in books. and falling asleep in front of the fireplace while watching the snow fall. and laying on the couch and watching the christmas lights flicker. and snuggling up with fuzzy blankets and warm clothes. and drinking hot tea or cider. and i just can't do these in the summer. i can't even do them when it's like 50 degrees {uhm sorry texas winter, but i have a hard time enjoying you}. so {for now} i'm enjoying this weather while i can!

anticipation.

is killing me. (: 3 days until my birthday! 3 days until i fly by myself for the first time! :O 3 days until i go back to texas! 3 days until i see my texas bestest friends that i haven't seen in over a year! 3 days until one of the most fun weekends of my life.
did i mention? 3 days!
like i said...the anticipation is absolutely killing me. i cannot wait. i'm ready to take a million pictures. i'm ready to laugh with everyone. i'm ready to stay up all night sharing my heart. i'm ready to see my gorgeous friends. i'm ready to ride in christine's pick up and yell at people out the window. i'm ready to make tshirts. i'm ready to go to pantego again. i'm ready to dance around parking lots. i'm ready to make starbucks runs. i'm ready to toilet paper people and cause trouble. (:
i'm stokedddd! <33 love you, texas friends!

future shenanigans.

i am not going to marry a white person. asian and black babies are just so much cuter. priorities, right?

here we go.

aaaand today is the day. the christmas decorating kind of day. all the lights are up, and the decorations in our house are going up right now. christmas music is playing. the fire is crackling. {well it's not really, since it's gas, but one can pretend, right?}

christmas season starts now.

thanksgiving.

thanksgiving : the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God.

so many people call thanksgiving by its name, but don't truly give thanks. i'm afraid all too often, i allow myself to dwell on the negative rather than accept the positive. so here's {a glimpse of} what i'm thankful for. (:

i'm thankful for:
- an unbelievably supportive, encouraging, and loving family
- phenomenal friends {around the usa and the world}
- hot showers
- football
- hot tea
- chivalry
- star gazing
- long conversations
- toilets that flush
- music
- genuine people
- good movies
- laughter
- tim tebow
- delightful books
- hugs
- disney princess coloring books
- colors
- nail polish
- spontaneity
- good memories
- road trips
- life changing moments
- dreams
- fire places
- rain
- blanket forts
- coffee dates
- chapstick
- sunshine
- little kids
- weekends
- beaches
- mountains
- sunsets
- camping
- candles
- chipotle
- eye opening mission trips
- late nights
- a comfortable bed
- good health
- drinkable water
- storms {listening to storms is the best}
- love
- and lastly, a God who is bigger than my circumstances and loves me always.

{this is the quick list off the top of my head.}

so what are you thankful for? be sure to let people know you appreciate and love them, especially today!

sometimes...

...my heart hurts. i mean, my chest literally hurts. like my heart is telling me "don't do that again." but then i do "it" again. and my heart hurts again. and i always have hope that "it" won't hurt me. but somehow, my hope is obliterated. and then my heart hurts because my hope is obliterated and because i did "it." {and i'm afraid there are lots of "its" that make my heart hurt.} so i'm sitting here right now with my heart hurting. telling myself not to do "it" again. let's see how this goes.

{have i confused you yet?}

finally.

well. i had never seen the harry potter movies before this week, but i have {secretly} wanted to watch them for a long time now! so this week i have been watching them. (:



hooray for mister potter! i watched the first one at about 1am on saturday...well, sunday. i then watched the 2nd and 3rd one today and i'm in the middle of the 4th at the moment. (:

WHERE has harry potter been my whole life?! i can't believe i didn't hop on this bandwagon sooner! haha i can't wait for the final movie to come out. i will be there at midnight for sure! (:

i am going to watch the 5th and 6th and go see the 7th in theaters before my birthday next week. at least...that's my goal! and i have two term papers to write before my birthday as well...soo...harry potter will be perfect for helping me procrastinate!

uncertainty.

what do you do when you don't know what to do?

i know the easy answer. i know "just trust God." i know "everything happens for a reason" and "everything will work out." i know "God won't give you more than you can handle." but honestly? do you know how hard that all is? the pat cliche answers do nothing. they make everything simple and make everything fit into a little box. but honestly? nothing is that easy. what do you do? what do you do when you just want to give up on it all? what do you do when you feel like you should be happy and should be joyful but you just aren't? what do you do when all you want to do is curl up in bed and never get out? when you watch movies just to cry and allow the tears to be released? sometimes i'm afraid i'm too good at pretending like everything's fine. like i'm too good at putting on a smile. i forget that people care about me and how i'm really doing. i forget that people might actually want to know how i am. how i really am. sometimes i get tired of pretending. occasionally, i'll let someone in. allow someone to see what makes my heart beat. what i love. what i can't stand. how i am really doing.

unfortunately, i only let people get so close. i don't tell any one person everything. no one person knows everything about me. i'm afraid that if i trust someone too much, they will hurt me. so i let someone get close, and when i feel they're getting too close, {most of the time} i push myself away. i distance myself. i shut my heart down.

i don't know why i do this. i just know that it's as common to me as friendship. i think to myself "i'm stronger than this. why am i allowing this to affect me? if i just bottle it up, it will go away." in reality, these are all myths that i feed myself to try to explain my actions away. i don't know that i even want to trust people. i struggle with this in my relationship with God as well. one of my favorite quotes is by barlowgirl, when they say "why do we think if we trust God too much, he will fail us?" that epitomizes my life.

i want people to see me as trustworthy. i realize, though, that nobody is going to trust me if i don't trust them. so it's time for me to learn. to grow. to trust. to share my uncertainties with people.

{sorry for my rant/dump of my feelings.}

say what?

i've been told a few times this week that i look like twiggy. when i first heard that, i must confess that i didn't know who she was. so a quick google search answered my question! this is twiggy...a lovely model from the 1960's:


my first thought was "haha i wish!" she's absolutely stunning. (: so of course i had to read up on her and find out some stuff about her...i want to know who this girl is that i feel i'm being compared to!

twiggy was an exception to the norm. she, according to standards, should never have been a model. she was too short to be a model and had a boyish figure that was uncommon for models. she went against expectation.

the more i researched twiggy, the more i fell in love with her character. she is who i would love to be. someone who goes against expectations and "the norm." i don't want to be who people expect me to be. in most cases, i don't even want to be who people want me to be.

so yes...when i saw that picture of twiggy, my first thought was "i wish i looked like her." but as i break things down in my mind, i am grateful for who i am. i am chosen. i was called to be me. to be abigail joy anthony. and there is no higher calling for me than that! (: i am simply to be who God wants - no more, no less.

slow down.

this weekend, i went out of town to stay with a friend at the lovely ccu. {colorado christian university} while i was there, God reminded me of an important lesson that i'm {unfortunately} good at forgetting.

"slow down" he said to me.

take time to smell the roses. dance in the storms. smile at a stranger. enjoy the small things. don't lose the small things in the big picture. invest in others' lives. remember the important things in life.

i spent time just sitting and enjoying people this weekend. i sat in a recliner and shared my heart with people. i listened to others tell me their life stories. i sat at the kitchen table and laughed with old and new friends. i was able to be completely at peace for the first time in a long time. the important things in life became evident and came to the forefront of my "to do list."

i desire to live this way all the time. i spend too much of my life looking at the future. i spend too much of my life focused on the negative things. i forget to truly be. i forget to relax. i forget to allow myself to be at peace. i'm so focused on what's next that i forget to enjoy the now.

when i came home last night, i went to my parents' bible study. there were 2 main take aways from the conversation for everyone, and they tied into what God taught me over the weekend.

live simply. live curiously.

our take aways lined up with what God was reminding me. i love when that happens! live curiously means to live in a way that cares about others. live curiously means when you say "how are you?" you actually care. live curiously means don't accept everything as is - ask questions.

soo...today i'm taking time to breathe. i'm hugging the ones i love. i'm listening to Papa's leading. and i'm slowing down.

all the lonely people...where do they all come from?

all the lonely people...where do they all belong?

it seems that everyone that i've spoken with lately is feeling alone. unwanted. uncared for. unimportant. lonely. even moreso than normal, i feel. what's been happening lately? why are there so many people feeling this way lately?

to those of you who are feeling lonely : know you are loved.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : you're worth more than i can tell you.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : you aren't alone.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : look for the good in every situation.
to those of you who are feeling lonely : don't forget others.

don't forget that you are not the only one feeling this way. there are many people who are in the same boat as you. please don't negate anyone else's feelings. don't put your feelings before everyone else's. remember that there are other people hurting just as much as you.

don't forget to listen just as much as you talk.
don't forget to love others just as much as you love yourself.
don't forget to accept other's hurts without trying to cover them with your own.

i know that i can be too focused on myself and my own agenda, so i will work toward this alongside you.

{please don't take this note the wrong way. i don't mean to be harsh. i'm not addressing this at anybody in particular. i just have to say what's on my heart.}

growing up.

this week has been full. full of homework. full of friends. full of princess coloring books. full of reading. full of football. full of subway. full of laughing. full of crying. full of good music. full of snuggling. full of reminiscence. full of movies. full of drama. full of school. full of walmart. full of genuine people. full of thoughts. full of questions. full of dreams. full of hopes. full of graduation planning. full of scholarship applications. full of cap and gown shopping.

did you catch those last three? graduation planning. scholarships. caps and gowns. what in the world. weeks like these, i feel so young. i don't feel like i should be preparing for any of this. in all honesty, i wish i could stay 16 forever. i don't want to have to deal with choosing a college or worrying about finances or getting a job or figuring out graduation. i want life to stay {relatively} simple. i'm afraid of growing up. i'm afraid of the unknown.

last night i went to a high school football game with some friends. it was the last game of the season {and we won! go titans!} and i almost got emotional because it was my last high school football game as a high schooler. high school football games are fun. i love them. the rivalries, the yelling, the anticipation, the cheering, the antsy final minutes, and the feeling of community that permeates through the crowd. i know that there will be more football games in college and beyond. i know that "they only get better" but i don't want something new. i want what i'm used to.

i'm terrified for the next few years of my life. i feel like i'm just beginning to understand what i'm supposed to do with my situation in life {where i'm at right now} and pretty soon, it'll all be gone. don't get me wrong - i think it'll be a fabulous adventure - but i have had so much change in my life in the last three years and i don't know how to deal with more of it. the future keeps creeping up, and most days, i welcome it with open arms. i say "i am so past high school. i can't wait to be finished. i can't wait to get out. i can't wait to 'start my life.'" but when i finally realize that it will actually be gone, i can't imagine.

i know what i want to do with my life. i do not know what i will do with my life. this is half of the fear. i don't want to live a normal life. i want to do something with my life. i have a passion to impact people. this is more of the fear. i'm afraid that "when i grow up," i will lose my passion for being a world changer {or at least a life changer}. i'm terrified of forgetting what i am called to do. for some reason, i feel like i will forget all of this when i grow up.

everything moves so fast. it's so difficult for me to believe that less than 4 years ago, i was still living in indiana. since then, i've lived in texas and colorado. less than 4 years ago, i had no idea what life held for me {in the upcoming years}. i wouldn't trade the last 4 years for anything. i have been so unbelievably blessed. some days i forget how fortunate i am and dwell in my misfortunes and woes and bad moods. there are days when i just want to go to some far off place and be. i could see myself like this:



in fact, i would absolutely love to do that. to be the only white person roaming through muddy fields with children from asia or africa or south america. everyone who knows me knows that i dream of moving to papua new guinea after i graduate college. i just want to travel and love on kids and be in places that stretch my american way of thinking and looking at the world. in this way, i am overwhelmed with excitement for the future. even when i dream of these things, though, i get a seed of doubt in my heart. i wonder "will i be content with my life if i never do these things? if i stay in america forever? if i get a 'normal' job and have a 'normal' life?"

this is where trust comes in. at this point, i must trust that my Papa knows what He is doing. trust that i will live the life that i am meant to live. trust that i can be used for His kingdom here in america. trust that i can have an impact wherever He puts me.

so yes, growing up terrifies me. but growing up also excites me. i cannot wait to see where Papa puts me and what i will do with my life.

{it seems that every time i sit down to blog, i end up dumping my whole heart onto the computer screen. thank you for bearing with me through it all!}

writer's block.

well...i wouldn't consider myself a writer. i wouldn't even consider myself a wannabe writer. in my opinion, the only time my writing is decent is when i pour my heart into it. when i challenge myself. when i'm writing about emotions and thoughts that i struggle to put into words and therefore must delve deep into my emotions to dig out the words i need. writing like this is a process. i have to intentionally force myself to sit down and pour {and sometimes vomit} my words onto the computer screen. it's emotionally taxing for me to pour my heart out onto the computer screen like this, but i always finish with a lighter heart and in better spirits.

as i type this, i wonder why i'm even sharing this with you. i guess it's because of the title...writer's block. at the moment, i have no profound thoughts to share with you, no funny stories to giggle about, and no exciting circumstances to converse about. life is just life. monotony. exhaustion. homework. stress. but through it all, i am loved. i am blessed. i have incredible friends and family around the country who would support me through anything. i have a pretty swell school schedule {i only have to go to school on tuesdays and thursdays}. i have a God who is bigger than my circumstances.

i feel like my life is overflowing with apathetic people. i am struggling to be passionate because the people i am around are not passionate about anything. this passage has become what i feel to be my calling. my challenge.

{God grabbed me. God's Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. He led me around and among them—a lot of bones! There were bones all over the plain—dry bones, bleached by the sun. He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "Master God, only you know that." He said to me, "Prophesy over these bones: 'Dry bones, listen to the Message of God!'" God, the Master, told the dry bones, "Watch this: I'm bringing the breath of life to you and you'll come to life. I'll attach sinews to you, put meat on your bones, cover you with skin, and breathe life into you. You'll come alive and you'll realize that I am God!" I prophesied just as I'd been commanded. As I prophesied, there was a sound and, oh, rustling! The bones moved and came together, bone to bone. I kept watching. Sinews formed, then muscles on the bones, then skin stretched over them. But they had no breath in them. He said to me, "Prophesy to the breath. Prophesy, son of man. Tell the breath, 'God, the Master, says, Come from the four winds. Come, breath. Breathe on these slain bodies. Breathe life!'" So I prophesied, just as he commanded me. The breath entered them and they came alive! They stood up on their feet, a huge army. Then God said to me, "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Listen to what they're saying: 'Our bones are dried up, our hope is gone, there's nothing left of us.'"Therefore, prophesy. Tell them, 'God, the Master, says: I'll dig up your graves and bring you out alive—O my people! Then I'll take you straight to the land of Israel. When I dig up graves and bring you out as my people, you'll realize that I am God. I'll breathe my life into you and you'll live. Then I'll lead you straight back to your land and you'll realize that I am God. I've said it and I'll do it. God's Decree.'"}

- ezekiel 37:1-14 {the message}

i think i am here to speak into the lives of the apathetic. to prophesy life. to encourage and love, but also to challenge. my calling is not to sit in apathy. my calling is not to be a lukewarm Christian. my calling is to be the hands and feet of Christ without regard to myself.

i am dreadfully sorry about this post. i'm not exactly sure what i just wrote or why i wrote it, but {as always} i feel better after writing it.