ramblings and musings.

girls have three forms of "love money." first, we have our "savings account" of love for our future husbands, which is everything we are saving for the future and saving for the one special man.. secondly, we have our "checking account" that we spend whenever we flirt with guys or give parts of our hearts to them. and thirdly, we have our "cash"...loose money that we spend on the people in our lives that we love, such as family and friends. ideally, our checking account would be for our husbands as we date and are romantically interested before marriage , but all too often, we spend this on whoever is the most accessible at the time.

thoughts?

epiphany.

as i type write now, i am snuggled up in my bed. i am eating frozen pieces of pineapples, strawberries, mangoes, and peaches. i am listening to a new worship cd. i am wearing new clothes. i am reading a new book. somehow, however, this peaceful setting is not peaceful to me. it's not bringing joy or even just contentment. while reading, i came across a page that epitomizes how i feel.

rob bell, in his book drops like stars, writes: "if we aren't careful, our success and security and abundance can lead to a certain sort of boredom, a numbing predictability, a paralyzing indifference that comes from being too comfortable."

rob bell continues on, saying that we want to feel like we're "really alive." he writes "at least when you struggle, you're feeling something."

somehow i feel like this is where i'm at. when life becomes monotonous, i complain. i find something to be upset about. i find something to struggle with. because this struggle allows me to feel something. days and weeks go by where i am void of emotion altogether. my heart is completely numb, not allowing me to feel pain or joy. therefore, i fight myself. i force myself to feel something, reasoning that something is better than nothing.

it is in these times that i finally allow myself to look into the dark parts of my heart and mind, wading through unresolved emotions from days, weeks, months, and years ago. i walk away without resolving the emotions, but allowing myself to wallow in them. i expel all emotions i can, proud of myself for feeling.

in reality, when addressing these emotions, i begin with the oldest ones. the ones i've left alone the longest. i am afraid to approach the fresh ones, afraid of the pain of new hurt, disappointment, and frustration. i want to feel, but i don't want to feel so keenly. i still desire in a weird way to keep myself in control of my emotions. i fear that if i address new issues, i will no longer have the feeling of control over my emotions.

in a roundabout way, i suppose i'm confessing that "fine" and "alright" are never good enough. i must feel something, and too often, it's easier to feel pain, sadness, anxiety, and frustration than joy, peace, and love.

at this point, i am going to delve back into drops like stars to see what else God has to teach me. what other epiphanies he has to give me. so goodbye for now...remember to appreciate the small things tonight.

tears and fears.

these past few months have been rough. today, everything hit me. i realized how rough everything has been and how i feel like i've lost everything dear to me. i still have a phenomenal friends and an absolutely wonderful family. i just feel like i've lost myself. i feel like i've lost the things i stand for. i feel like i've given up the things that i have always loved and the things i have always stood for. {don't get me wrong...i haven't done anything drastically terrible. i haven't had any one thing that i feel guilty for. i've just lost myself.}

in trying to please everyone else, i've forgotten to please the One i care most about. i've forgotten to live the way i'm supposed to. i've lost it all. i feel like i am going in circles trying to please everyone and become the person everyone else wants me to be.

in being this way, i have lost all feelings of self confidence. i feel like i will never be worthy of love. i feel like i will never be good enough for anyone or anything. i feel like i won't even be able to accomplish my goals and dreams. one of my professors told me yesterday, "you are a waste of my time. you will never be anything in life. don't even bother going to college, because you will never succeed. good luck ever succeeding at anything." yesterday, another person told me straight up "i don't like you. i can't stand you." these ideas {in a nutshell} have defined what i've thought of myself this semester. there wasn't anything specifically that made this change come about...there wasn't one particular event or one day or anything. i just slowly let myself go and let myself stop trying to be where i wanted to be.

my friend sierra put it perfectly:
"i've been living full of meaningless efforts to reach the top of a pile of people living hollow, shallow existences, just like me. even though nothing i've attempted has brought me true fulfillment, i'm busting my butt trying to do it anyway."

this is how i have felt. i've let others define me. so it's time for me to start living again. time for me to seek the One i love and figure out where he wants me. time for me to spend time with him. time for me to allow him to tell me how HE feels about me. time for me to love to live and live to love.

{once again, i'm sorry. i didn't even proofread this so i'm sorry it's so random and thrown together. i'm sorry that you have to know all this. i'm sorry i've been this way. i'm sorry.}